


Time Heals All Wounds If Only We Are Patient

by Radjlost3



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, F/F, F/M, Happy Ending
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-11-30
Updated: 2017-07-10
Packaged: 2018-09-03 05:14:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 35,082
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8698453
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Radjlost3/pseuds/Radjlost3
Summary: Lexa has just been discharged from the hospital, and cleared to be sent back to the United States. She has not talked to Clarke for several months due to Clarke refusing to contact or communicate with her. Lexa knows that Clarke was not happy with her decision to finish another tour with the Marines, however Lexa is convinced that Clarke just needed time to forgive her. It is not until seven months after she left home, and a month and a half after her accident that she finally receives a letter from Clarke. She is handed the letter with her ticket home, but she is unaware how much her life will be different when she arrives.
Give the story a chance, I promise it isn't the normal run of the mill situation that you would expect from the summary. I just don't want to give too much away!





	1. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1:**

 

“Alright Sergeant Woods, you have been cleared for discharge. Do you have any questions for me before you go?”

“No Doc, I am ready, and fully capable I might add, to walk out of here and be on my way.” Lexa said dejectedly.

“Physically. You are ready to go physically. I want to remind you again that I think it would be wise to seek a therapist when you arrive back-"

“Nyko. We have talked about this… I told you that I am perfectly capable of handling this on my own,” Lexa said calmly, but Nyko could sense the warning hidden beneath her tone. At this point, she had enough of him pushing her to talk through her experiences. Apparently, she was cause for concern, but loss was something she was not unfamiliar with. “I know you are just trying to help, but I have to do this on my own, and you have to let me.”

“I’m sorry Lexa. I have overstepped. I just care about you, and being your friend first and foremost has made it difficult to be objective as your doctor throughout your recovery,” Nyko stated apologetically.

“I understand your concern. However right now, I am ready to be home.”

“Well then I won’t keep you any longer,” Nyko looked at her worriedly. He was afraid to see her walk out in her current condition. Lexa had only been recovering for six weeks, and endured endless care and physical therapy to get her where she currently is. Nyko still believed that it wasn’t enough. “Try to do the new exercises we discussed, it is important that you don’t push yourself too hard, but you’ll want to stay relatively active to ensure a good recovery,” Lexa nodded in understanding, but her thoughts had drifted.

“You never told me what the long term looked like?” She asked without a single falter in her voice and her face impassive as ever, but Nyko could sense the hesitance and fear hidden in her ever-telling eyes.

“You will regain almost all function. The burns will obviously scar, especially the ones on your upper arms and side of your chest. Your hearing was impaired from the explosion, so you might find it difficult to hear from your right side. I suggest a hearing aid if it comes to it-” Lexa waived the suggestion off, “-or not,” Nyko chuckled. “You may also find your balance not to be what you are used to, and since the shrapnel was imbedded where it was, your nerves and muscles suffered some damage in your shoulder. We won’t be able to determine the extent until you have fully healed and successfully completed all your physical therapy once you arrive back in the States,” Nyko concluded. Lexa shifted her shoulder uncomfortably, already hoping it might feel better than it did only moments before, but alas, it hurt.

“One last thing Woods,” Lexa looked up expectantly. “You got mail today, it got dropped off earlier this morning. Thought I would personally deliver it, I know you have been waiting to hear from her,” Lexa’s heart involuntarily sped up, and she couldn’t contain her smile. “I noticed the date was marked three months ago, however for some reason it only arrived today.”

“Better late than never. This day just keeps improving, Doc,” Lexa gave him a rare full smile, and suddenly Nyko wasn’t so worried anymore. He knew Lexa’s dedication to the marines exceeded all other aspects of her life, and she went against Clarke’s wishes when she committed to another tour. She had started this tour 7 months ago, and had not heard from Clarke in that time. He had faith in them though, and was thankful that Lexa was honorably discharged so she could let her duty go and commit to Clarke. They were one of those rare couples that filled the people in their lives with the hope that an honest and pure love could exist.

“Let me know when you come back home, we can catch up,” Lexa stated casually as she began to gather her things and put on the rest of her uniform.

“I would love nothing more. May we meet again,” Nyko held out his arm.

“May we meet again,” Lexa grasped his arm in return, looking her friend in the eyes one last time before walking out of the exam room.

 

                                                      ____                                          ____

 

 

Lexa was aware of the fact that Clarke was unhappy with her personal decision to do another tour with the marines. That much was obvious in her lack of response to any of Lexa’s attempts to contact her in the previous months. Eventually, Lexa realized Clarke needed space, and she stopped trying to contact her shortly before Lexa’s injury and the incident that caused it. In retrospect, she probably could have handled the situation better. Clarke had been looking forward to having Lexa back home permanently, and they had collectively made plans for their future when that time came. Except one day Lexa woke up in her bunk and looked around at these people, her people, and she realized she was not capable of leaving so easily. However, Lexa knew Clarke, and she knew that when she was angry, she fully committed herself to it, but they loved each other. That meant she had to forgive her eventually, right?

Suddenly the letter felt very heavy in Lexa’s jacket pocket next to her plane ticket home. She hadn’t thought of what was written inside the letter, and now her stomach lurched in that uncomfortable way that only rarely happens when she is truly terrified. Her right hand shook as it came to her chest pocket within her jacket, resting briefly on her heart before she slowly retracted her hand that was now holding the letter. She wasn’t sure what nerves were causing her hand to shake, the damaged ones or the anxious ones. Regardless, Lexa began to tear the letter open, only to pause slightly before suddenly sliding out the paper that contained the words that Clarke finally decided to share. Lexa’s eyes scanned the effortless beauty that was crafted in each word Clarke wrote, and smiled to herself as she ran her fingers across the front of the letter. She only realized in that moment how much she really missed Clarke. She finally took a deep breath and momentarily closed her eyes in attempt to control her emotions before starting from the beginning.

 

_Lexa,_

_I don’t really know where to begin, so here it goes. You are someone who truly fights for what they believe in, and who seeks to make the world a better place for everyone who deserves it. That is why you are such a great marine, making the hard decisions based off facts and calculations, ensuring that what will be done is what is best for the greater good. I have never been good with those hard decisions, but I do believe that this is the right one. I need to let you go, Lex. Forgive me for giving up, but I am not capable of much else after you walked away this last time. I won’t pretend I’m not angry, I think you know me better than that, but I want you to know that I understand your decision. I just can’t accept it, not again. We have been together five years, and you have been gone for four of them, and I miss you too much. I can’t stay in this state of limbo with you anymore because I need someone who is present, and that I can trust to be there when I need them to be. Someone who will not only fight for others, but for me as well. I only ask that you respect my choice, and believe me when I say I’m sorry. Please stay safe._

_-Clarke_

 

Lexa’s vision blurred and the world suddenly seemed to be lacking sounds and an adequate air supply. She watched as her tears quickly left her cheeks and dropped on the single sheet of paper that had managed to turn her entire world upside down. She had never been a stranger to pain, but this had to hurt the worst of it all.


	2. Fight or Flight

The sound of shuffling feet and rolling suitcases was only a distant buzz to Lexa as she sat in the terminal of the O’Hare airport awaiting her connecting flight home. She mindlessly fidgeted with the medals on her uniform while her thoughts drifted to the only thing that had been on her mind the past couple days. _Clarke._ Lexa was incapable of understanding the universe sometimes, and the misery it causes people. Could she not have both the military and Clarke? Why did she have to lose them both at the same time?

“Boarding class 3, if you are ready to board, you can do so now.” The voice over the intercom effectively broke Lexa out of her reveries. She grabbed her duffel and heaved it over her shoulder. _Shit!_ Her vision became splotchy and her breathing ragged, she silently reminded herself to be more aware of her injuries in the future until she fully heals. The anger she felt only moments ago, returned when she realized she might never be fully healed. A frown flitted across her face and her brow furrowed as she reached the desk and handed over her ticket.

“Good afternoon Miss, enjoy your flight,” Lexa nodded her thanks, her lips still slightly downturned. This flight was going to be difficult, and Lexa knew it. As she made her way through the tunnel, she became more anxious, and it seemed to only get narrower and narrower. She entered the plane and the pilot shook her slightly sweaty hand. She turned to her right and saw the rows of people settling into their seats. She took a deep breath, clenched her jaw with a slight tilt of her chin. _You’ll be fine. Five hours and you will be home._ _Home… on second thought, maybe the plane isn’t so bad._ Right at that moment she heard a small voice coming from one of the seats on her right. She turned her head to hear better, and found a boy with sandy blonde hair of only ten or eleven staring up at her expectantly.

“Sorry bud, I didn’t catch that. I must be getting old or something,” She gave him one of her small smirks. “What did you say?” Lexa asked sincerely.

“I wondered if you are really in the army?” The boy asked shyly, with a spark in his eyes.

“Well not technically, I’m _really_ in the marines,” Lexa stated with a sense of pride in her tone, faltering only slightly when she realized ‘was’ may have been the more appropriate term to use. She knew she would always be a marine at the end of the day, but being recently discharged made her feel like she somehow lost a part of her identity. The boy did not know all this though, and she was not about to spew her newfound troubles to a ten-year-old boy.

Lexa took her seat next to him after placing her bag in the overhead compartment. She wondered why this boy was here alone, and she scanned the rows around her before settling into her seat. There didn’t seem to be any parents that were too concerned with this boy anywhere close to them. Just as she was about to ask him, she turned her head and was faced with some of the bluest eyes she had ever seen, second only to a pair of blue eyes that were suddenly moving to the forefront of her thoughts. She didn’t have much time to dwell on the person who those eyes belonged to though because the boy looked at her and she could see the question forming on his face. She was prepared, children always seemed to swap the same questionnaire about her service. Guns, tanks, the uniforms, more guns…

“Are you okay?” Lexa was visibly startled. His eyes were so big and blue, and should have been so innocent. However, there was this untold understanding lurking just underneath those steady eyes that Lexa could not comprehend where it came from.

“I will be,” Lexa’s voice sounded foreign. It was shaky and weak, things that seemed to be the definition of her character lately, and she despised it. Although, when the boys hand slowly and gently rested on her arm, she felt a sense of strength she had been lacking since her accident. She missed the comfort of people. She effectively pushed everyone away after her accident, and refused to acknowledge those in her squad that survived. She felt she had failed them somehow, and wished that she could go back in time to save the lives that she lost that day.

“Time heals all wounds if only we are patient, right?” He asked nervously. Quietly asking affirmation, as if he didn’t quite believe the words spilling from his mouth that were so clearly not his own.

“I’d like to think so,” Lexa gave him a somber smile. “I’m Lexa.”

“My names Aden,” His eyes flashed back to Lexa with a little more vigor than they held just a second ago. “I’m supposed to be going to my new home. I don’t know where that is though, and I’ve never met the lady who is picking me up. I was told I had nothing to worry about, and I would really like it here, but I don’t know…” The words were flowing quickly from his mouth as if saying them out loud would make his swirling thoughts disappear. He frowned a little bit at the last couple of words. Now Lexa understood, this boy was in the system or his parents were no longer able to care for him. Her heart clenched, threatening to collapse itself entirely with this newfound knowledge weighing down even heavier on her already battered heart. Aden continued after his brief pause, “I didn’t want to leave my doctor because she is my favorite, but Dr. G said that her daughter is also a doctor. That is who I’m staying with. She is going to help me get better with a team there who specialize in my illness. Dr. G said I should only get the best,” He smiled at that, and Lexa believed him. This boy, he deserved the world. “I am going to miss her a lot though, but she said she will come and visit me when she can.”

“Well Aden, I happen to know a doctor in L.A. She is one of my favorite people, and she works with kids. Maybe she will be on your team, and then I know that you will have some of the best doctors the city can offer,” Lexa swallowed hard, she wanted to just scoop this boy up and never let him go. She was never one to like children, but Aden, he seemed special.

“I hope so! Dr. G said they are going to try and make my blood better again. I have something called ‘acute lymphoblastic leukemia’,” he said very slowly, and pronouncing every syllable with determination, “and she said that Arkadia Hospital was going to be the best place for me.” Lexa could not believe it. _Arkadia Hospital, what are the chances?_ Lexa stared blankly at the boy, he may have Clarke on his team after all.

Lexa was baffled, but before Lexa had gotten the chance to share the strange interworkings of the universe and all its frequent small world happenings, the announcement was made over the intercom that the flight would now be taking off. Lexa subconsciously tightened her seat belt, and momentarily forgot about the small boy sitting next to her. Her breathing became shallow and she could feel her pulse quickening creating a heavy pounding in her ears.

“It’s ok to be scared. We all are afraid of something,” Aden stated simply, seemingly suggesting that conquering these things were as easy as breathing; which was actually proving to be very difficult for Lexa right now. “My Dad would get scared to fly too, but we would always watch a movie together and it seemed to help. Do you want to watch a movie? I have some.” Aden began to pull out an iPad from his backpack, and Lexa couldn’t stop the smile that was beginning to creep onto her face. Aden turned it on and showed Lexa the collection of movies on it.

“ _Finding Nemo_ is one of my favorites if you’re up for watching it.” Lexa raised her eyebrows in question.

“Always!” Aden got out his headphones and offered Lexa one of the buds. She was thankful she was sitting on his right so that her left ear was the one that was provided the headphones. As the movie started, she felt her breathing return to normal. Aden was leaned over the arm rest, and was very close in Lexa’s personal space. However, she didn’t mind in the slightest, and could only think that this boy was the only thing getting her through this flight.


	3. Sweet Serendipity

The flight came to an abrupt stop on the tarmac, and Lexa was relieved when the seatbelt light finally dimmed to nonexistence. She made it. She stretched her fingers slowly after removing them from the armrests that her hands were holding in a vice-like grip just moments earlier. Aden somehow managed to sleep through the entire landing, and Lexa scanned his face that had become peaceful in sleep. She knew she had to wake him up, however, she didn’t want to disturb him until it was completely necessary. Therefore, she decided that it might be time to inform someone that she was home. She hesitantly pulled out her phone, and dialed the one person who she could always count on. The phone picked up after the third ring.

“Lex? Is everything alright?”

“Hey An, don’t worry. I am doing more than fine,” Lexa was unsure how to exactly tell her sister that she was essentially unfit for duty in her current condition and was sitting in the LAX airport needing a ride home. “So, I happen to be in the neighborhood, and was wondering if you wouldn’t mind giving your wonderful sister a ride home?” Lexa paused, waiting for the anger.

“What the hell, Lexa? You got time off to visit, and you didn't think it was remotely important to inform me prior to this moment?” Anya’s voice consisted mainly of confusion, but was laced with suppressed anger. “I’m currently out of the state on business. I didn’t plan on you being here since you never come home, and you have a slight inability to believe that any of us care about seeing you from time to time,” Anya offered sarcastically, but the truth of those words rung loud and clear. Lexa knew that she was upset by Lexa’s recent physical and emotional distance, and she immediately felt guilty for not calling more.

“I’m sorry Anya, a lot has happened. There was an incident about a month and a half back. I’m fine now, but I was discharged. I am not just visiting, I’m home for good now. I asked them not to tell you initially because I did not want you to worry about me. I didn’t see the point in telling you when there was nothing you could do. Especially since I knew I was most likely coming home,” Lexa finished in a rush.

“What do you mean an incident? What happened?” Anya asked unsteadily.

“I don’t want to talk about it over the phone. When you get home, I promise to tell you everything I can.” Lexa knew she would omit many details. It was very hard for her to think about lately, let alone talk about in depth.

“Jesus, Lex. I can’t fucking believe you sometimes. We had a right to know if you weren’t safe,” Anya finished softly. She sounded deflated, and Lexa knew that her angry outburst had quickly dissipated and was replaced with disappointment. Lexa didn’t really know which was worse. “You’re positive you are ok?”

“I promise, I’ll be fine. I’m sorry again, and I will tell you about it. Just not over the phone,” Lexa’s clipped tone gave Anya no reason to push Lexa any further, she knew it was useless.

“Alright, there is a key under the potted plant by the door,” There was an uncharacteristically long pause before Anya spoke again. “Lex, have you talked to Clarke at all?” Anya asked hesitantly.

“No… I received a letter from her the other day. Have you talked to her?” Lexa treaded carefully, trying to hide all emotion to conclude how much Anya knew about Clarke and Lexa’s current relationship, or really lack thereof.

“Um yes, well it would be hard not to. You see, she is kind of living with me currently until she can find a new place. We didn’t expect you back,” Anya whispered the last part.

“What happened to our apartment, and why isn’t she staying there?” Lexa questioned desperately.

“Lex, you barely lived there, you can hardly claim it as ‘ours’! Clarke was trying to make it a clean break, and her lease was up. She made that decision, and you have no right to question it,” Anya quickly defended Clarke. So Anya was aware of Clarkes newfound epiphany to call their relationship quits.

“You’re right,” Lexa tended to forget that Clarke and Anya had always been close. She should have known that Clarke would probably have talked to Anya even though they weren’t communicating. “Alright, well I’m going to call a cab, I should have let you know sooner. Are you sure it’s a good idea that I go to the house?” Lexa had realized the awkwardness of the situation, and wished more than anything she could just stay on the plane and have it take her anywhere else.

“Lex, regardless of what you think, I’m sure Clarke will still be happy to see you. I’ll give her a heads up that you are going to be coming to the house within the next couple hours, but that’s all I’m telling her. I’ll leave the explaining to you since I still don’t even really know why you’re home or what happened to get you here,” Anya’s soft voice began to crescendo into frustration again. She could hear Anya take a few deep breaths before she continued, “Clarke has some big things going on in her life right now Lex, I don’t want you to expect anything from her.”

“I know me coming home doesn’t change anything, I still intend to respect Clarkes wishes as she originally asked of me. It’s just not going to be as easy to give her the space she wanted as we all thought it would be when I was overseas,” Lexa’s voice became thick with emotion, frustrated at how complicated every facet of her life has become. She pinched the bridge of her nose in an attempt to suppress the emotion threatening to spill from her eyes.

“Alright kid, I love you. I’m sorry about the way things are going right now, but chin up, ok?. I’ll be home in two days, we can talk about it then if you are ready,” Anya knew Lexa tended to keep things to herself, and it was only on her time that she would decide when to share her thoughts and feelings.

“Thanks An, love you too and I’ll see you soon,” Lexa quickly hung up the phone before Anya could sense the tightening of her speech. She sat there dumbfounded, slightly shaking her head before she remembered that Aden’s big moment was just around the corner. She looked to her left and saw that Aden was still sleeping. She gave him a slight shake and his tired eyes fluttered open. “Hey, we landed. You said someone was coming to pick you up, and you know who to look for?”

“Yeah, she said she was going to be waiting at the gate.” Lexa noticed his demeanor had changed slightly. He appeared to be anxious to get off the plane as well.

“How about I walk out with you, and we can wait together until you find her?” Lexa offered.

“You would do that?” Aden asked incredulously.

“Of course, Aden. It is no trouble, and I would like to know that you safely got to where you needed to be,” She spoke reassuringly. Lexa cared for this boy, even though she had only known him for such a short time. Lexa stood up from her seat and began to grab her duffle from the overhead cabinet. She saw a blue bag with “Aden” embroidered on the front pocket, and she grabbed that as well. Lexa silently handed it to the boy, and they began to make their way down the aisle. A stewardess stopped them before they could exit the plane.

“Excuse me Ma’am, we have someone coming to escort this boy to his guardian. It is standard procedure seeing as he is not old enough to travel without one,” The woman informed them.

“I understand, is there any possibility that it would be alright if I do it?” At that moment, Aden grabbed Lexa’s hand out of fear that they would be separated, and looked up at the stewardess. The woman seemed unsure, her eyes flitting back and forth between them. Her eyes lingering on Aden before she finally spoke.

“You know where you are going, and who you are supposed to be meeting?” She crouched down, and looked very seriously at Aden.

“Yes, Ma’am. Her name is Clarke Griffin, and she told me that she would be waiting right outside the gate for me when I exit the airplane,” Aden spoke surely. The stewardess stood back up and seemed satisfied with his answer. It didn’t stop her however from going to the phone connected to the wall and dialing a number. Both the stewardess and Aden were currently oblivious to Lexa’s current state of utter shock and turmoil at the new information she had just been supplied. Lexa felt like she was suspended in a dream, confused as to how she ended up here, holding this boys hand that she was going to personally deliver to one Clarke Griffin. She had so many questions for Clarke, mainly about Abby. Last time she talked to Clarke, they still weren’t speaking, and now here they were sending children back and forth across the nation to their respective hospitals. Lexa gave a petulant toss of the head backwards before shutting her eyes tightly, _Universe, you’re a real bitch sometimes_.

“Hi, this is Harper, I’m here with… hold on one second,” The stewardess placed the phone against her shoulder before redirecting her attention back to Aden. “What is your name?”

“Aden, I’m Aden Kane,” Aden informed her. She nodded once before lifting the phone back to her ear.

“Aden Kane, on flight 815 from O’Hare to LAX. He is supposed to have a guardian waiting for him, and I know an airport security escort is on their way, but I have a marine here willing to take him and they seem to be familiar with each other. The boy said he is waiting for a Clarke Griffin, I just want to confirm. Yeah, I can wait a second” Harper gave Lexa a skeptical once over, and looked her in the eye briefly before her attention seemed to be redirected to whoever was on the other line. “Ok. Yeah. I will let them know,” Harper returned the phone to its port on the wall.

“Alright, sorry for that, just making sure you both are looking for the right person. I won’t hold you up any longer, and I’ll let you two be on your way. Thank you for flying with us, and good luck with the rest of your travels,” She gave them both a smile, and continued her way down the aisle. Lexa just stood there, unable to process what she just heard. She looked at Aden with a look of horror and shock, and he only returned it with raised eyebrows.

“What’s wrong?” Aden began to worry that he did something to cause her strange behavior. He shook the hand that he still had gripped in his own, essentially bringing Lexa back to reality.

“Nothing bud, I just happen to know a Clarke Griffin myself, and I have a feeling she is the one picking you up today. How about we go find her?” Her heart began to pound and her stomach felt like she was going to be sick. She swallowed quickly and raised her chin refusing to give into a display of weakness. Lexa quickly summoned her invisible mask from the depths of her being, and she begged that it would not fail her now. It had always given her an unwavering ability to hide every drop of emotion that was trying to burst through her interior. Aden was pulling her along speaking quickly about something regarding whale sharks that was unfortunately becoming more and more obsolete to Lexa as they approached the exit with every step.

After several seconds of panic that felt like a lifetime to Lexa, they had emerged from the skybridge. Lexa’s eyes quickly scanned the crowd for the one face that she wasn’t quite sure she was ready to see. Suddenly she felt Aden tug on her hand, and he was pointing to their left. “Is that her over there?,” Aden looked up at Lexa, and she glanced at him one last time before she allowed herself to see her. It was then that Lexa realized this moment was bigger than herself. It was about this boy finding his new family. However, one would decide to define family, Clarke would be all he had for a while, and she did not want to ruin this moment for him or cast a shadow over the importance of it with her and Clarke’s complicated relationship. With that in mind, she finally decided to look up, and when she did, her breath hitched. She felt like her whole soul was lit on fire, and she could do nothing to stop it. It was then that blue eyes met green. She saw Clarkes mouth slightly part in surprise, and her brows pull together. Clarkes eyes finally broke from Lexa’s to briefly look at Aden who was still holding tightly to Lexa’s hand. They flashed to Lexa’s one last time before she seemed to hesitate slightly before slowly making her way over to them.

“Hey bud, why don’t you go ahead and talk with Clarke without me for a little bit?” Lexa tried to remove her hand from his, although it was unsuccessful. She crouched down and saw the fear behind his blue eyes. “You have nothing to be afraid of, Clarke is an amazing person,” Lexa spoke truthfully. However, Aden still looked unsure.

“What if she doesn’t like me, or what if I’m not enough?” Aden spoke so quietly, and he sounded so broken. Lexa looked at him and she saw her ten year-old self reflected in his eyes. Lexa briefly motioned to Clarke to wait a moment before she joined them.

“Look at me Aden,” Lexa placed both her hands on the side of his face, “I am not worried. I only spent four hours with you, and I can tell how special you are,” Lexa stated sincerely. “I have a feeling you will be just fine with her, but you won’t know until you try. Also, if it makes you feel better, I doubt this will be the last time we see each other. So why don’t you go over and introduce yourself,” Lexa nodded her head over to Clarke. Aden’s eyes drifted over to Clarke briefly before landing again on Lexa.

“Will you go with me?” He asked as if Lexa were his lifeline. “Of course,” Lexa tried to sound strong, as if the very thought of standing in front of Clarke did not make her want to run for the hills. Sure Lexa was home now, but it didn’t erase the fact that she left Clarke without allowing her even the opportunity to convince her to stay. She risked one last glance in her direction, and regretted it immediately. Not only did Clarkes eyes desperately search hers for questions, but she could sense the hurt in them even from across the distance that was separating them. Lexa dropped her eyes quickly, and stood up. She placed her arm comfortingly on Aden’s shoulder, and began to lead him over to Clarke. Although in that moment, fueled by a small spark of hope, Lexa wondered if Aden was really leading her back to Clarke.


	4. The Debilitating Power of Self Doubt

Clarke suddenly awoke to the blaring of her alarm clock, and her sleep addled brain struggled to find the source of the sound. She knocked over two picture frames and a lamp before she successfully managed to click the small button that brought her back into silence. _Thank you._ However, that moment of bliss only lasted eight more minutes before it went off again. Clarke decided to skip the snooze button altogether this time, and just solve this pesky problem by ripping the cord from the outlet. She had missed her bed dearly, and was content to be reacquainting herself with it in an unconscious state. The on-call room beds she slept in the past couple of days just didn’t provide the level of comfort that she was currently experiencing. She was just about to fall back asleep before she remembered why she was waking up in the first place.

Today was the day that she was finally going to be picking Aden up from the airport. She still had no idea if this was a good idea, but after talking extensively about it with Abby, she figured it was worth a try. Arkadia hospital provided an outstanding team of doctors that specialized in treating leukemia, and not only was this a personal favor for Abby, but Clarke was a pediatrics resident at the hospital. Therefore, she was capable of taking care of Aden at home for the time that he would be undergoing treatment.

Clarke accepted the fact that she was not going get remotely close to the amount of sleep she truly desired, and decided to wander into the kitchen in the hopes that Anya had made coffee. Clarke briefly grumbled to herself when she did not even detect a single hint of coffee in the air. She made her way over to the pot, but she was stopped by a note on the table.

_Clarke,_

_I had to go out of town for business, I should be back in a couple days. I know you are picking up Aden on Tuesday, and I am so sorry I won’t be there to help you get him settled in. I finished getting his room ready before I left, and I don’t want you to worry about being a burden here. The house is big enough for a family of ten if we needed it to be! So, stay as long as you need to. I will see you in a couple days._

_Anya_

As Clarke began to brew a pot of coffee, she momentarily wondered what it was that Anya did on her business trips. This was a common occurrence for Clarke, seeing as Anya had one of those jobs that was hard to wrap her mind around. She was basically the successful version of Chandler Bing, everyone knew she did something, they just couldn’t tell you what that was. _Accounting, sales, marketing… or was it management?_ Clarke had no idea, all she knew was that Anya earned a lot of money, and she was exceedingly prosperous at whatever it was that she did. Clarke often pictured Anya laying poolside wearing oversized sunglasses and talking about deals on foreign trade over martinis _._ Clarke snorted to herself before making her way to the shower. It was most likely much less glamorous than that, but also probably a lot less exciting.

While Clarke shampooed her hair, her thoughts drifted to the more burdensome matters of the mind that always seemed to make themselves apparent while showering. _Was this the right decision? Did I sacrifice too much?_ Clarkes thoughts drifted to Lexa, and she wondered if she could have done both. Could she have fully committed herself to taking care of Aden while being emotionally tied to Lexa in a way that was casting a shadow over her life? She knew the answer to that, and the answer was blatantly obvious in the letter that she sent Lexa three months prior. When she made the personal decision to accept Aden into her life, she knew that it was time to release Lexa from whatever hold on her life she still had. She wasn’t even sure where the foundation of their relationship had rested on anymore, and she was not going to have Aden placed in the undependable middle of it all. Clarke gave herself an adequate amount of time to accept her decision, and come to terms with her grief over her loss of a future with Lexa. Now that time was over. Clarke knew she needed to put that behind her if she wanted to fully accept Aden into her life for however long he required, and provide him with the essentials of happiness to aid in a healthy recovery. She would be a friend, a guardian, a doctor, and whatever else he needed her to be.

Clarke finished getting ready, and checked her watch, _3:45pm,_ she still had a half hour before she had to leave for the airport. She decided it was time to finally have that cup of coffee with a side of breakfast; the staple of Clarkes diet was indeed caffeine. Her schedule was often hectic at the hospital, especially since Clarke had become a newfound workaholic in the past couple months, and insisted on picking up shifts whenever she could. Sometimes it was a miracle she even knew what day of the week it was since they all seemed to blend together as a result of sleepless nights and never-ending shifts. She preferred being appropriately overwhelmed with work, it provided less time to dwell on matters that were relatively unkind to her mental health. Some would argue she wasn’t adjusting very well to life without Lexa, and if Clarke was being honest she would have to agree. After all, a few months back she would have believed there _wasn’t_ a life without Lexa.

When she finished her breakfast, she brought her dishes to the sink, and poured herself another large cup of joe to go. She knew she was going to hit traffic on the way to the airport, and being someone who was prone to road rage, she needed something to soothe her soul.

 

\-----                                        -----                                        -----                                        -----                                        -----

 

Clarke had just parked her car at the airport when her phone began to ring. _Mad Scientist calling…_ “Hey Ray, whats up?” Clarke asked before Raven started spilling out words and phrases a mile a minute.

“Clarkey! I just had a giant breakthrough, that project I was telling you about just got finalized. After four months, _four months Clarke_ , its finally happening! We are sending it into space, I mean, this could lead to new documentation in regards to the interstellar medium and the statistical mechanics of…” Clarke tried, she really did. She caught various phrases along the lines of electromagnetism, thermodynamics, nuclear physics, relativity, and many more that provided zero understanding as to what Raven was truly accomplishing. “Worm holes, Clarke! Don’t you understand the magnitude of possibility this could offer us?!” Raven finished excitedly.

“Raven, I am not quite sure what it is that you are doing, but I am ecstatic in regards to your success,” Clarke laughed quite openly. “Congratulations! When will you be coming home so Octavia and I can take you out to celebrate?” Clarke sounded hopeful, it had been too long since she had seen Raven. She had been away Florida for some time now working on her satellite project with NASA at the Kennedy Space Center, and she had definitely been feeling her absence lately.

“Well now that its complete, I think I just need to sleep for a week straight and then I’ll be ready to board a flight back home!” Raven already sounded much lighter now that the pressure of finishing her project prior to her approaching deadline had dissipated. “Except I have so much caffeine in my system, I don’t even know how I’m functioning. So sleep might have to wait,” Raven finished, speaking in a way that let Clarke know it was more to herself than to Clarke. “Hey! When is that boy coming to stay with you? That has to be soon doesn’t it?” Raven asked enthusiastically.

“I’m actually at the airport right now to pick him up, I’m a little nervous honestly. What if I’m not enough for him, or someone else would be more suitable?” Clarke started to second guess her decision. This was going to be a big responsibility for her, and she wasn’t sure she was entirely ready. Not to mention her life seemed slightly unstable lately due to the lack of a certain green-eyed brunette that was no longer there to provide her with the kind of support she was used to falling back on when she would go through something particularly difficult.

“Clarke, your job is to literally take care of children, and I recall visiting you at the hospital on more than one occasion and they were hanging off your limbs shouting ‘Dr. Clarke, we looooove you’,” Clarke couldn’t help but laugh at Raven’s impersonation of her patients that was overflowing with exaggeration. However, it did help put things into perspective, Clarke did have a way with children. “Parents literally entrust you with their kids everyday, Clarke, I don’t really know why, but they must see something in you,” Raven finished sarcastically, and Clarke laughed at the absurdity of her sudden insecurity. “Don’t worry, babe. You got dis!” Raven had a knack for building Clarke's confidence, and she thanked her lucky stars for NASA’s miraculous breakthrough that had given Raven a reason to call her. She heard Raven speaking quite loudly to someone who must have just walked into the lab, “Joel, I swear to God if you touch anything in here, I will cut off your hand without so much as a second thought. It’s like you use butter as hand lotion every morning, and I just spent the last 64 hours building that model, so I don’t want you within a ten foot radius. You hear me?” Clarke heard a man respond with a series of exasperated sounds, clearly too bewildered to form a logical response to mitigate Ravens personal attack. It was just then that there was some shuffling on the other line, and Raven redirected her attention back to Clarke. “As I was saying, before Joel walked in, and made me continue to question my decision to take him in as my undergraduate research student,” Raven’s voice escalated slightly at that last part, “You will be amazing Clarke, at least until I arrive and I suddenly become his favorite,” Raven boasted shamelessly.

“Oh, I see how it’s going to be,” Clarke rolled her eyes at Raven, but couldn’t help the light chuckle that escaped. “Alright you goof, I gotta go. Thanks for giving me a little encouragement, it’s always appreciated,” Clarke stated sincerely. "And congratulations again, I'm proud of you Ray. Your genius continues to astound me," Clarke spoke jokingly, but she was truly amazed at the things Raven could accomplish.

“Damn right I'm a genius! And anytime princess. _Shit,_ Joel! Ok, I’m sorry Clarke, I gotta go right now. Joel is fucking everything up. Good luck!” The line went dead after that, and Clarke slid her phone back into her pocket. She gripped the steering wheel, and took one last deep breath. _There’s no time like the present, right?_ Clarke gathered the paperwork she would need to show the airline to validate she was Aden’s guardian, and raised her eyes to briefly scan the airport. Being here was sure to bring a plethora of memories to the surface from the various occasions throughout the past four years when she would pick Lexa up during her leave. However, Clarke decided now would not be the time to dwell on those happier moments in her life, and with that, she opened her car door, and began to make her way inside.


	5. Love is a Cataclysm

When Clarke entered the airport, she immediately made her way over to the front desk. She informed the airline employee that she was picking up an unaccompanied minor, and showed them the paperwork verifying this. They made a call informing the airline that she was there, and Clarke made her way through security.

Just as she was putting her shoes back on, she felt her phone vibrate. It was from Anya. _Hey Clarke, just a heads up, Lexa called me today and she is home. I told her she was welcome to stay at the house, I hope that is ok with you. If not, let me know, and I am sure she can stay at Lincoln’s. Also, hope everything is going well with Aden!_ Clarkes stomach dropped, and she immediately wondered why Lexa was home. There was no way that it had to do with her, she sent that letter to Lexa months ago. If she had a problem with Clarke’s decision, she was sure Lexa would’ve already made it known. Clark chalked it up to Lexa was on leave, and she hadn't notified anyone she was coming home.  _Typical._

Clarke felt the tears burning behind her eyes that were fueled by frustration. Clarke wanted Lexa home for months, and now that she is here, Clarke would be much happier with the simplicity of her being out of the picture for a while. This was the last thing that she needed today, and now every last memory that she had tried to repress while walking through this airport were flitting to the forefront of her mind. Memories of Lexa walking off the plane in her dress blues with that full smile that slowly crept onto her face when she finally spotted Clarke. She missed that smile, and her eyes that would crinkle just slightly at the corners. Clarke remembers the many times that she would run into Lexa’s arms, sometimes Lexa would catch her in time, and other times she wouldn’t even see Clarke until they were both tumbling to the floor. They would laugh freely as if being together made everything easier, and stay there in each other’s arms until they believed the other was real and not some dream or figment of their imagination. After months continually passing without seeing each other, there seemed to be no quantifiable amount that could describe how much they needed to touch, feel, and see each other. It was indefinite. That was when Clarke remembered the reason behind her decision; it was because they always ended up in the same spot only days later with tears in their eyes and whispered, soul crushing goodbyes.  

Clarke choked back a sob that was on the verge of being released. _No, not today_. She decided in that moment, that she would cross that very large bridge when she got to it. Aden was her priority today. So, she carried herself to gate 7B with newfound purpose, and tried to suppress the raw emotion clawing at the back of her throat.

She knew what Aden looked like because Abby had sent her a picture shortly after Clarke agreed to take care of him for a while. The plane appeared to have landed, but no one seemed to be getting off the plane yet. Clarke took this opportunity to type a response to Anya. _Hey An, thanks for informing me. I can’t really think about Lexa right now, I am just about to pick Aden up. It looks like his flight just landed, but I’ll figure out things with her later. I guess we all knew I would have to talk her in person eventually, I just didn’t know it would be so soon._ Clarke barely registered what she was typing, and clicked send. Her mind was reeling with thoughts and various scenarios, and Clarke wished she could turn it all off for only a moment to mentally digest everything that was currently happening.

Just a few minutes later, Clarke began to see people slowly filtering out of the skybridge, and it was at that moment that she felt her phone vibrate; it was Anya again. _Wait Clarke, you’re at the airport right now?_ Clarke didn’t understand the significance of her being at the airport right now as opposed to this morning or two hours ago, and didn’t feel the need to respond to Anya. She knew Aden would be exiting into the terminal at any second, and she wanted to greet him as soon as he did. Before she could put her phone back in her pocket, she felt a series of vibrations, and looked down briefly to see that Anya was calling her. She was just about to answer it, but she chose that exact moment to look up.

Clarke momentarily lost herself in those piercing green eyes. She saw so many emotions flicker across them in that short moment, and Clarke felt her breathing become more shallow. She wasn’t sure how long she stood there with her mouth slightly parted in shock, but her eyes eventually made their way to a small boy holding Lexa’s hand. _Her_ boy, the one that she was supposed to be picking up. _You’ve got to be kidding me._ Clarke’s eyes shot back to Lexa’s in question, her eyebrows raising slightly. She had no idea how to maintain control of her emotions in this moment, it was like every sense was heightened and every emotion she had been feeling today was about to run rampant. Her feet moved on their own accord, and it felt as if her shoes were made of cement instead of leather.

It was then that she observed Lexa trying to detach her hand from Aden’s, but it seemed he did not want to let her go. Clarke approached even slower before Lexa looked up at her, her eyes silently pleading for Clarke to stop her advance as Lexa raised her hand signaling to give her and Aden a moment alone. This gave Clarke the opportunity to really study Lexa. There she was, at the airport terminal in her dress blues. However, Clarke couldn’t help but notice the stark differences between this very moment, and all the other times Clarke met Lexa at the terminal. There was no smile adorning her face, or her melodious laughter filling Clarkes ears, and Clarke definitely did not feel Lexa’s hands laced in hers. Instead Clarkes own hands felt heavy at her side, no doubt weighed down by the grim realization that nothing was quite how it used to be. _Don’t get attached again Clarke, she will only be home a couple days._

She saw Aden and Lexa exchange a few more words before Lexa stood to her full height, and began to guide Aden over to where she was currently standing. Clarke felt as if her heart was going to break her rib cage open and fling itself out of her body entirely. She couldn’t say she was opposed to the idea, maybe the tightness in her chest would loosen and the butterflies in her stomach would quit their senseless fluttering and finally relent. Yes, Lexa still made her incredibly nervous in the best possible way, and Clarke hated it.

“Clarke,” Lexa nodded her head and offered one of her small smirks. “This is Aden, I believe you two are looking for each other?” Clarke could sense the absolute confusion in Lexa’s tone, and Clarke wondered how much Lexa knew about Aden and why Clarke was picking him up. Clarke realized that her string of thoughts had rendered her completely speechless, but she quickly regained the ability to be a functioning human for Aden’s sake.

“Aden, hi. I’m Clarke, I’ve really been looking forward to meeting you. I see you met my friend Lexa on the plane,” Clarke hesitated at the word _friend_ , but forced herself to keep going. “Hopefully, she only said good things about me,” Clarke winked at Aden and gave him a smile.

“We all know I couldn’t say a bad thing about you if I tried, Clarke,” Lexa said before her brain could tell her to stop. Her smirk instantly fell from her face, and she worried that she had overstepped slightly. It made Clarke swallow thickly, and lightly blush at Lexa’s candidness.

“Don’t worry, Lexa told me that you were an amazing person and a really good doctor. She said that she knew I would truly have the best if you were helping me,” Aden didn’t understand the gravity of the situation, and therefore he didn’t think anything of sharing this with Clarke. However, when Clarke looked at Lexa, she had a blush of her own creeping up her neck. Her eyes were glued to the floor, and Clarke couldn’t help but smile at Lexa’s embarrassment. After all, she couldn’t say she wasn’t happy to know that Lexa still believed in her; although the words were delivered by Aden, she knew Lexa truly meant them if she had not anticipated Aden repeating them aloud.

“Ok, and with that I will leave you both to it,” Lexa quickly offered herself an escape to the current situation. When she looked up at Clarke, the last thing she expected to see dancing in Clarke’s eyes was amusement. Lexa quickly avoided those entrancing blue eyes by bringing her focus to the boy standing between them, “Aden, your company was an absolute pleasure on this flight, and I look forward to seeing you again soon. I have a cab to call, and a hotel room to arrange, so I will see you both around,” Lexa’s eyes lingered on Clarkes for a moment too long. Lexa wasn’t sure what she was searching for in Clarke's eyes, but she didn’t want to look long enough to know if it was there. Lexa began to step away when she felt Clarke’s hand come to rest on her forearm.

“Lex, you don’t need to get a cab or a hotel room. I appreciate it, but I already talked to Anya. I know you wanted to stay at the house, it is big enough for all of us,” Clarke spoke softly, and her hand slid down Lexa’s arm before grabbing her hand. She wasn’t even aware she had done it until she felt Lexa squeeze her hand just slightly before letting it go. Clarke internally chastised herself, they were no longer together. There were boundaries now, and she would have to be more careful not to cross them.

“We are all staying in the same house?” Aden asked incredulously. His eyes looked so big and hopeful as he focused his attention on Lexa.

“Seems so,” Lexa tried to give him a genuine smile, but it didn’t quite reach her eyes. “I’m gonna quick change out of my uniform if that’s ok, then we can head out of here?” Lexa waited for Clarkes affirmation.

“Yes of course, we will wait here,” Clarke responded after a beat of silence. Lexa had never wanted to change out of her uniform at the airport before, and Clarke wondered what caused the sudden change in preference. Lexa gave her a nod, and looked at Aden again before heading towards the bathroom with her duffel.

“So, why do you and Lexa live in the same house?” She heard Aden’s questioning tone next to her. Clarke should have known she wasn’t going to be let off the hook that easy. Her eyes remained on the back of Lexa’s retreating figure as she responded.

“Everything is kind of up in the air right now,” She finally turned her attention to Aden. “I haven’t found a place of my own yet, and Lexa will only be here for a couple days. Lexa’s sister Anya offered us a place at her house, so you and I are going to stay there for a bit until we can find a home of our own,” Clarke explained simply.

“Is Lexa going to come with us too when we find a new place?” Clarke knew what answer Aden was looking for, but unfortunately, she couldn’t give that to him. “Sorry Aden, it’s going to be just you and me. That day isn’t happening anytime soon though, and you can call Lexa whenever you want to, ok?” Clarkes heart broke a little at the disappointment that flashed across his face. She knew Aden would have some attachment issues after everything he has been through, but she didn’t anticipate that he would be this close to Lexa of all people, especially after only such a short time of knowing her.

“Anyway, tell me about the flight. How was it?” Clarke tried to change the topic to prevent Aden getting upset at the prospect of what may or may not happen in the future.

“It was good! Me and Lexa watched _Finding Nemo_ , and then we both drew pictures of some of our favorite things. Lexa said she had an artist friend, and that she could do these amazing drawings. She had some in her bag and showed me, they were really good!” Clarke couldn’t help but smile, she knew that Lexa only had one artist friend, and it was herself. “I told her that I wanted her friend to draw me a picture sometime, and she said maybe someday she would, but I shouldn’t hold my breath. I don’t know why, but she thought that was really funny,” Aden concluded with a slightly confused expression on his face.

“I’m sure she thought she was hilarious,” Clarke narrowed her eyes, unamused by Lexa’s idea of funny. Clarke hadn’t picked up a pencil or a paintbrush in two years, and she didn’t plan on doing it anytime soon either. Clarke was slightly hurt that Lexa would find Clarkes inability to enjoy creating art comical, especially when she knew the reason why. Although, she couldn’t help the flip of her stomach at the fact that Lexa still carried Clarkes drawings around with her. Lexa always said that they helped her see beauty in a place that had none, and she was glad Lexa still found comfort in them while she was deployed in Afghanistan.

“Hey, you both ready?” Lexa looked at them eagerly after arriving back from the bathroom, clearly as ready to leave this airport behind them as Clarke was. Clarke couldn’t help but think Lexa looked absolutely beautiful in that moment. She had let her hair down, and it cascaded into chestnut curls that softly framed her face. She had also changed into slightly ripped jeans, and wore a loose t-shirt under an oversized cardigan. To top it all off, she had on her big dorky glasses; the ones Clarke couldn’t help but love. She looked like herself again, the younger carefree Lexa that Clarke met in college. Clarke couldn’t help but wonder why Lexa was so quick to shed the military persona that she had carried around constantly these past couple years, but Clarke had to admit, in that moment, she was grateful to see a glimpse of the girl she met all those years ago.


	6. Change is the Only Constant in Life

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just want to say thank you for all of your wonderful comments and for taking the time to read this story. The idea has been floating around in my head for a while, and I was glad that you all responded so well to it finally being crafted into words. I have never written anything creative like this before, it is usually just scientific research papers and experimental designs. So please bear with me as I try to reacquaint myself with my creative side! I might not be able to update for a couple weeks due to finishing up this semester and final exams, but I plan to finish writing this story during winter break. However, I did manage get this chapter together, so here is something to hold you over until then!

As the three of them made their way towards the exit, they briefly stopped at the luggage carousel to grab Aden’s suitcase. Lexa admitted to herself that she was slightly uncomfortable in this situation. She was mystified at how she ended up here with Clarke and Aden, and as equally confused as to what role Clarke was going to play in Aden’s life and her own in the future. Lexa didn’t think it was entirely appropriate to discuss these matters with Clarke while Aden was standing right there, so she could only continually mull it over in her mind until she had a chance to talk to Clarke alone. Lexa was broken from her thoughts when Aden prodded her on the arm, effectively gaining her attention to inform her that his suitcase was being released onto the rotating platform. Lexa had her duffel on her left shoulder, and went to grab Aden’s suitcase with her right hand. However, she regretted it immediately because the action of lifting his suitcase caused shooting pain onto her right shoulder, setting her nerve endings along her arm on fire. She immediately dropped both bags on the floor next to the luggage carousel, and tightly grasped her shoulder urging the pain to subside. Her eyes were twisted shut, and she was slightly doubled over in pain. Clarke noticed something was wrong, and immediately rushed to her side.

“Hey, what’s going on, are you ok?” Clarke ran her hand along the back of Lexa’s right shoulder while the other one gently grasped her forearm. “What happened?” It was that question that sent Lexa back to that day. Flashes of memories displayed behind her closed eyelids, and she quickly widened her eyes in a desperate attempt to make them disappear. Lexa was suddenly feeling suffocated by Clarke’s presence, and she flinched away from her touch almost immediately.

“I’m fine, Clarke. My shoulder has just been acting up lately, its nothing to worry about,” Lexa gathered the bags off the floor by her feet before turning and walking away from Clarke. “Are you coming?” She directed the clipped question over her shoulder to Clarke, who was standing there slightly shell-shocked at Lexa’s odd behavior. Lexa knew Clarke was only trying to help, and she initially felt some regret for snapping at Clarke. While Lexa was still trying to calm down from the upheaval of repressed memories, she barely noticed when Clarke arrived at her side and quietly took Aden’s suitcase from her right hand. Lexa’s skin burned where it had momentarily met with Clarkes, and Lexa felt her heart flutter slightly. Lexa was grateful for the relief she felt in her shoulder, and gave Clarke an apologetic smile in return. Clarke had just begun to open her mouth to say something to Lexa, but before she could, Aden’s voice broke the silence.

“So, I was just wondering, when will I have to go to the hospital? I don’t have to go anytime soon right?” Aden asked apprehensively, and Lexa was at a loss for words. When she met Aden, she didn’t think he would be in her life past the airport doors, but now here they were walking out of them together.  Of course she knew he was sick, they only met on that airplane because he was coming here to receive treatment. However, she did not expect to witness it. They would be living in the same house for a little while, and she would no doubt see his recovery firsthand. Lexa never believed in a God, but in that moment, she sent a silent prayer to whoever was listening. _Please, please just let him survive this_. Lexa didn’t know that much about leukemia, but she had a bad feeling if he was being flown across the nation to receive treatment, the outlook couldn’t be good.

“I’m sorry Aden, I am going to have to take you tomorrow morning. There is some preliminary bloodwork and testing that the hospital would like to take care of, and the sooner it gets completed, the sooner you can start to get better,” Clarke tried to keep her voice lighthearted and upbeat, but Lexa could sense the sadness lingering just underneath the surface of her words.

“Ok. Well, when I was in Chicago, Dr. G, I mean Abby, would always take me out for ice cream. Could we do that after?” Aden looked at Clarke with puppy dog eyes, and Lexa tried to hide her smile. He was totally working an angle to get Clarke to take him out for ice cream.

“I think we can do that, I know a place right down the street from the hospital that is a favorite of mine. I’ll get you a double scoop, how does that sound?” Clarke gave Aden a dazzling smile, which he happily returned. Lexa was sure she was gaping at Clarke. _He totally schmoozed her!_  It wasn’t that Lexa didn’t believe Aden might be nervous to go to the hospital, but of all the things he seemed anxious about on the plane, being poked and prodded by doctors did not seem to be on the top of his list. She was no stranger to that herself over the last month and a half, and therefore she knew that after a while it all became fairly routine. Lexa looked at Clarke with laughter in her eyes, and Clarke mouthed a silent, “what?”  before pouting slightly in response to Lexa’s teasing gaze. Lexa just shook her head and pushed the door open holding it for Clarke and Aden.

“Thank you, ma’am,” Clarke drawled her appreciation before giving Lexa a small curtsey. Lexa couldn’t stop the soft laugh that escaped from her lips at Clarke’s behavior. “Alright, Aden. Is there anything you need from the store before we go home, or do you have everything you need?” Clarke pulled out her sunglasses from her purse and put them on while she waited for Aden’s response. When she finally looked at him, his face was scrunched up, and if she didn’t know better, Clarke would have thought he just got asked what was the answer to the ultimate question of life, the universe, and everything. _Obviously, it’s 42_.

“Well, there is _something_ that I can think of,” Aden began hesitantly.

“Ok, we can stop and get it if you want. What do you need?” Clarke implored further.

“I would say ‘need’ is a strong word, but there are these really good cookies that go the best with a glass of milk. They just make me feel so much better,” Lexa couldn’t help but let out a loud laugh. She looked at Clarke, and saw the light bulb go off in her head. Clarke knew she had fallen for Aden’s innocent demeanor and cute face, but she now knew better than to fall victim to his boyish charms in the future. Lexa gave Aden a high-five for effort, and he gave her a bashful smile in response to being caught. Clarke only scoffed, and gave Lexa a playful shove while tossing Lexa the “Don’t encourage him _”_ look.

“Aden. I meant _necessities_. Like you know, a toothbrush or maybe some shampoo. Things you need, but weren’t able to pack with you,” Clarke still had a shadow of a smile playing on her lips at Aden’s effort to persuade Clarke to make a trip to the store just to get cookies because they were exceptionally good with a glass of milk.

“Oh no. I have all that. You should be more specific next time, Clarke, because to me, cookies are a necessity,” Aden smirked at Clarke, and Lexa was glad that Aden already felt so at ease in Clarke’s company. She knew he had been apprehensive to meet her, but they seemed to be getting on well so far.

“I’ll keep that in mind,” Clarke winked at Aden before pulling out her keys and unlocking her car. She popped the trunk, and Lexa and Clarke placed the bags in back while Aden climbed into the backseat shutting the door behind him. Lexa reached for the top of the trunk door, and winced slightly at the dull pain that had originated in her shoulder as she pushed it closed. She had just turned around when she realized Clarke was still standing next to her. She had an unsure look on her face, and before Lexa knew it, Clarke had pulled her into her arms for a tight hug. It took Lexa a moment to reciprocate, but after a second, her arms had encircled Clarke and Lexa buried her face in her neck. They both relished in the fleeting comfort that this moment brought them, but unfortunately it ended as quickly as it happened. When Clarke pulled away, a blush was coloring her face as she replaced her sunglasses over her eyes. “Sorry, shall we get going?” Clarke finally looked up, and Lexa could only nod in response out of fear that her voice would betray her in that moment, revealing the emotions that were rendering her speech useless.

Lexa was still standing there in a daze, when she heard Clarke roll her window down and shout, “Hey! You coming or what?” Lexa caught her playful eyes in the rearview mirror, and took a slow inhale of fresh air before expelling it in a breathy laugh.

“Yeah, just checking the tires,” Lexa mentally chastised herself the second the words slipped past her lips, and cringed at her unwavering stupidity. Her ears had caught a snippet of Clarke’s laughter that escaped the rising window before it completely sealed shut, and Lexa realized in that moment that she would make a fool of herself all day long if she could be rewarded with the sound of Clarke’s laughter.

When Lexa finally got herself under control, she opened the car door to find Clarke and Aden doubled over in laughter, quite clearly finding something outrageously hilarious. They both paused their laughter to watch as Lexa took her seat on the passenger side before they exploded into hysterics again. Lexa decided in that moment that they weren’t laughing at something, but rather someone. Unfortunately, she had an idea of who the subject worthy of such a comedic response was… _her._

“Alright, I don’t even want to know,” Lexa chuckled nervously, internally wanting to know exactly what Clarke had told Aden about her that caused them to become giggling messes.

“I’m sorry, Lex. You’re just too adorkable to not laugh at from time to time,” Clarke pinched Lexa’s cheek. “Oh man, I haven’t laughed that hard in a while. Thanks Aden, I needed that,” Clarke wiped the tears that had begun slowly stream down her cheeks from excessive laughter. Lexa spun her head around to Aden, now aware that it was him who decided to poke fun at Lexa.

“Glad I could be of service Clarke,” Aden responded lazily, his attention currently captured by the passing scenery outside his window; Lexa could just barely make out the ghost of a smile in his weak reflection. Lexa had a feeling that between Clarke and Aden she was going to have her hands full. Lexa was quick to reminded herself in that moment that she no longer had the privilege of being in Clarke’s life, and she remembered her vow to give Clarke the space that she had requested in her letter. It would be difficult, especially both being at Anya’s for the unforeseeable future, but she could give Clarke emotional distance. However, Lexa was currently confused by what it was that Clarke wanted. She seemed to be very clear before, but her actions today seemed so contradictory in a way that made it seem like she wasn’t entirely over their relationship. It was hard for Lexa to process, and she couldn’t help but feel like the last couple days had been an emotional roller coaster when it came to Clarke. Her eyes suddenly ached to study Clarke in her peripheral, but Lexa found that it was not enough. She dared herself to turn her gaze fully onto Clarke, and she momentarily lost herself in her features. Her golden hair that fell softly around her face, the slight slope of her nose, and the curvature of her lips. Clarke turned her attention to Lexa in question as to why she was staring, and Lexa quickly fixed her gaze on the road ahead of them embarrassed by her lack of subtlety.

“Hey Clarke, Abby told me that she would come and visit me. When do you think she will be able to come?” Aden was clearly excited about the prospect of Abby coming to visit, and Lexa wondered why Aden was so familiar with his doctor. Lexa directed her attention onto Clarke, and she saw that Clarke had minutely increased her grip on the steering wheel, causing her knuckles to become white with the tightening of her skin.

“I’m not sure Aden, I am supposed to call her tonight after we get settled in. I will ask her for you,” Clarke seemed put off by the thought of talking to Abby, and Lexa assumed they must still be having problems.

“Thanks, Clarke!” Aden extolled, unaware of the Clarke’s sudden tension at the mention of her mother. “I’m going to miss living with Abby, she had a cat that I really like. He was super white and fluffy, and he would always sleep with me in my bed,” Aden finished with adoration in his voice. Lexa wouldn’t be surprised if she opened his suitcase later, only to find a white furball climb out desperately meowing for food. However, she was taken aback that Aden had been living with Abby before coming here.

“I am amazed my mom got a cat,” Clarke rolled her eyes. A smile was threatening to overtake her lips, and it was the only indication that deep down she found the information comical. “I recall being in middle school, and there were free kittens offered down the road from our house. I had passed them on my walk home from school one day, and I decided to pick one up. Both my parents happened to be home when I walked in the door, and my mom was outraged. She told me I better put that thing right back where it came from,” Clarke laughed at the memory before turning her attention towards Lexa. “My dad convinced her to let me keep it though. You should have seen her face when I came in the door, you would have thought she saw the devil in its eyes,” Lexa laughed with Clarke at that, but she couldn’t help the sinking feeling in her gut at the mention of Jake. Lexa missed him quite often, and decided she would try to visit his grave this week.

“I imagine it resembled mine when you told me you were going to get a fish while you were in med school, but somehow you came back with a dog,” Lexa raised her eyebrows pointedly at Clarke, before her lips upturned at the corners, betraying her faux anger and letting Clarke know she found it endearing.

“Hmmm,” Clarke pretended to think very deeply, “You’re right, they were quite similar. Though I recall you being more exasperated, especially when I told you his name was Fish,” Clarke laughed wholeheartedly at Lexa’s eye roll.

“You had a dog and you named him Fish?” Aden asked slightly confused. “Strange…” Aden thought it was purely nonsensical, which only made Clarke and Lexa laugh louder.

“I thought it was clever myself, but unfortunately Fish didn’t get to stay with us very long,” Clarke narrowed her eyes at Lexa, who held up her hands in mock surrender. Clarke knew that it was a decision they had mutually agreed on, but she still enjoyed giving Lexa a hard time about it. They could only take so much of chewed up household items, the inability for Fish to use the bathroom anywhere outside of the house, and his knack for barking during all hours of the night. It wasn’t long before they decided it was time Fish found more patient owners that could love him in spite of all of those things.

The car ride seemed to pass relatively quickly and, to Lexa’s surprise, with little to no awkwardness. Lexa was slightly disappointed when they pulled into Anya’s driveway, and all began to climb out of the car. Clarke informed them that she was going to get dinner ready, and Lexa decided to excuse herself to shower and prepare a room to sleep in. The events of the past couple of days had left her feeling physically and emotionally drained, and she was exhausted in every way possible. Lexa dropped her duffel bag at the end of the bed, and began to make her way down the hall to the bathroom. Lexa pulled out a couple towels from the cabinet alongside the shower, and turned the water on. She started to undress, but was stopped by her reflection in the mirror. Her eyes were drawn to the newly formed scar tissue that covered her right side, and the large mark on her shoulder where her stitches had long since fallen out and healed. Just the sight brought tears to Lexa’s eyes, and she ripped her gaze from her reflection, climbing into the shower quickly in an attempt to wash away her thoughts. It wasn’t that she was vain, it was the fact these scars would be a constant reminder of what happened, and she wasn’t sure how to handle that yet.

When she finished her shower, she felt cleansed in more ways than one, and she had to admit that it felt rejuvenating to be home; even though circumstances were much different than she had originally planned. As she opened the bathroom door, she could hear Clarke and Aden laughing uproariously about something, and Lexa smiled to herself as she made her way into her bedroom. She figured dinner wasn’t prepared yet, and thought she would lie down until it was; assuming Clarke would come and let her know if she wanted Lexa to be there.

She continued to think about how different her life was now that she had been discharged. Things had definitely changed since the last time she was home seven months ago, and at first she thought that this was going to be a bad thing. Lexa never liked change, in fact she usually lived in fearful anticipation of it. However, she couldn’t help but think that this moment felt different than all the other times she had stood at a precipice, afraid to move one way or another out of fear that things would only get worse. She liked to plan and come to terms with future events, not suddenly have her life flipped upside down without any sort of warning. For the first time in a long time thought, Lexa was not afraid to move forward. After all, only two days ago, she had thought she lost Clarke forever, but she couldn’t help but feel like they were at least still capable of being friends. Even if their relationship was not what it used to be, Lexa was content to know that with the loss of each other, they gained a wonderful boy in their lives. One who had the potential to bring them back together.


	7. May the Bridges We Burn Light the Way

Clarke heard the water turn on in the bathroom just as she placed a pot of water on the stove. Aden was occupied with the television in the other room, and Clarke decided she most definitely needed a glass of wine. The day had left her dazed and confused, and she couldn’t help but feel like it was all a little surreal. Clarke internally chastised herself for being so friendly with Lexa, after all, she was supposed to be letting her go. She was familiar with the routine now, and Clarke knew Lexa would be gone in a couple of days, and she already felt herself getting attached again. As Clarke poured herself a glass of cabernet, she realized that she currently didn’t have the energy to think about everything, and began making a salad to go along with the pasta. 

“Clarke!” Aden called from the other room, “Can we play a game after dinner?” Clarke poked her head in the living room to respond to Aden, and that was when she saw him searching through her many board games that were stashed underneath the coffee table. He pulled out scrabble from the bottom, and it occurred to Clarke that the last time she had played scrabble was with her Dad over two years ago. 

“Sure Aden, I would love to. I can’t promise that I’ll go easy on you though,” Clarke said teasingly.

“Who said you would have to go easy? I happen to be the champion at home,” Aden’s voice was flooded with pride as he stated his scrabble success. “If anything, I should be saying I will go easy on you,” Aden raised his eyebrows at Clarke, and she couldn’t help but laugh. Aden soon cracked a smile and joined in on the laughter.

“I’m not too bad myself, looks like we are going to have to settle this with a little healthy competition,” Clarke was excited to see how Aden would do. She couldn’t help but admire Aden’s determination and competitive desire to win. “How does pasta and salad sound for dinner?” Clarke suddenly realized she didn’t have any idea what Aden enjoyed eating. “I already am making it, but if you would like something else, I can always whip you up something different.”

“Pasta sounds good to me, Clarke,” Aden gave her a reassuring smile before returning his attention back to the stack of games.   
“Ok, it will be ready soon,” Clarke informed him before returning to the kitchen. The water was boiling at this point, and she added the pasta. She pulled out various vegetables and began cutting them up to place in a bowl with spinach and romaine, and mixed it all together. Clarke heated the sauce on the stove and placed the garlic bread in the oven, and it was not that long before everything had been prepared and finalized.

“Hey bud, its ready!” Clarke called to Aden in the other room. She could hear him quickly making his way into the kitchen, and it was as he entered that Clarke had asked him if Lexa had come down yet.

“Not yet, but I think I heard her get out of the bathroom a little while ago,” Aden replied.

“Ok, I’ll go see if she wants to join us,” Clarke said as she made her way out of the kitchen. She walked down the short hallway, and stopped at Lexa’s door that was partially open. “Lex, do you want to come and eat with Aden and I?” Clarke asked through the crack of the door. She didn’t get a response, and Clarke pushed the door open a little farther. Lexa was sprawled out on the bed sleeping, and Clarke couldn’t help the small smirk that formed on her lips. Lexa’s hair was a wild wet mess around her head, and her limbs were scattered across the bed. She hadn’t even made it under the covers, and although her entire body was in disarray, her face was extremely peaceful. Clarke quietly closed the door and made her way back to the kitchen. 

“Is Lexa coming?” Aden asked, his voice giving away that he wanted her to join them for dinner.

“She fell asleep, I think the trip home took it out of her,” Clarke told Aden. Clarke knew that Lexa tended to be a little disoriented due to the time change, and it took her a day or two to readjust to being home again. “Let’s eat though, I’m sure you are hungry,” Clarke gave Aden a smile as she led them into the kitchen to begin making their plates. 

\---

It was when the movie finished that Clarke noticed Aden had fallen asleep on the couch. Their game of scrabble abandoned half way through when Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban came on the television. Aden had wanted to finish it another time, and Clarke could not have been more thankful for the excuse to stop the game before she lost miserably; the kid was smart as a whip. 

Clarke’s eyes drifted over to Aden, studying him in his sleep, and that was when she realized how small he was for his age. It was no doubt a consequence of his illness. It dawned on Clarke how much she already cared for this boy, and hoped with all her heart that the hospital would offer him a better chance at recovery than he had previously been given in Chicago. 

Clarke turned the television off, and slowly got up from the couch so she wouldn’t wake Aden. She picked up the bowls of popcorn and brought them into the kitchen. When she returned to the living room, Aden was still asleep. “Hey, Aden. You gotta get up, it’s time for bed,” Clarke tried to jostle him awake, however he wasn’t budging. Clarke contemplated leaving him there or just carrying him to bed, and decided to go with the latter. She slid one hand under his back and the other under his knees and lifted him up successfully. She couldn’t help but silently congratulate herself on her achievement of personal strength. Way to go Clarke, don’t ever let Anya tell you you’re weak again!

As she made her way down the hallway, Lexa’s door opened and she emerged looking half asleep. When she looked up at Clarke holding Aden, she paused and her eyes widened a fraction of an inch. Her lips parted as if she wanted to say something, but Clarke spoke before she was given the opportunity. 

“I’m just putting him to bed,” Clarke informed her in a whisper as she neared Lexa. “There are some left overs in the fridge if you want them.” Lexa was still staring at Clarke holding Aden, and she minutely shook her head as if to shake herself from whatever thoughts had taken a hold of her.

“Thanks, Clarke. I am actually quite hungry,” Lexa slid past Clarke in the hallway, barely making eye contact with her as she passed. Clarke continued down the hall to Aden’s room and placed him on the bed. She successfully got him under the covers and turned the lights off before closing the door. When she returned to the kitchen she saw the back of Lexa as she was waiting for the microwave. 

“Hey,” Clarke directed at Lexa, and immediately felt bad for startling the brunette who jumped at the sound of Clarke’s voice.

“Jesus, Clarke,” Lexa was trying to catch her breath as she clutched her chest. “I didn’t even hear you come down the hall,” Lexa had her eyes closed as she controlled her breathing.

“Sorry. I was just wondering if we could talk?” Clarke questioned hesitantly, not really knowing if she was ready for answers. 

“Yeah, I guess we should probably do that. I think we are a little overdue,” Lexa said dejectedly as she reached for her bowl of pasta from the microwave. They both settled in at the kitchen table, and Lexa could feel Clarke’s eyes burning holes into her skin. Lexa wasn’t quite sure if she was ready to talk to Clarke about everything, but she could not stand watching Clarke anxiously twist her hands together anymore. “Go on Clarke, ask whatever it is you are dying to ask,” Lexa made eye contact with the blonde as she took her first bite of food. 

“Why didn’t you call when you got my letter, or at least write back?” Clarke’s eyes were filled with hurt and her brows were pulled together in utter confusion. Lexa dropped her eyes immediately and put her fork back on the table. Her hand came up to cover her mouth before it slid across her face settling on the back of her neck. Clarke saw a million different answers flash behind her eyes before she got the one that she was least expecting.

“Is that what you wanted? To get a rise out of me, to try to get me to come home?” Lexa’s voice was quiet and low, but her eyes were clouded with anger.

“No! No, I made that decision to send that letter when I decided to take Aden in, but I just didn’t think you would give up so easily. I guess I expected to hear from you, wondering why I ended things or something, but I never did,” Clarke replied honestly, not completely knowing what it was she had wanted at the time. Lexa’s eyes softened at this confession. “I know that still isn’t right, but I just don’t know-“

“Clarke,” Lexa interrupted. “I only received your letter two days ago,” She exhaled a sigh of frustration. “I didn’t know that letter existed until I was on my way home,” Lexa clenched her jaw, Clarke knew this was Lexa’s way of fighting back whatever emotions were threatening to overtake her.

“Speaking of you being home, how long are you on leave for this time?” Clarke noticed a look of pure confusion cross Lexa’s face at her question.   
“I thought you said you talked to Anya when we were at the airport?” Lexa sputtered.

“I did, she said you were home, but she didn’t say for how long,” Clarke responded slowly, unsure of what part of this was so hard for Lexa to grasp. “I mean you usually stay for a couple of days, but it can vary…” Clarke trailed off.

“I’m not just visiting, Clarke, I’m home for good this time,” Lexa looked her deeply in the eyes as she said this, and Clarke couldn’t help but see the sadness and hurt swimming in the depths of them. “I was medically discharged,” Lexa’s voice wavered slightly, and her eyes closed. When she reopened them, her face had become relatively expressionless. “There was an accident, some of my unit didn’t make it. I was unable to continue with my service, and so they sent me home,” Lexa concluded solemnly, her voice mechanical.

“Lex…”, Clarke didn’t even know where to start. “Are you ok?” 

“I’m fine Clarke. I’m still here when others aren’t, so I don’t really get to complain,” Lexa’s voice seemed strained, and her eyes looked far away. Clarke wasn’t unfamiliar to loss, and she knew that Lexa’s bond with her unit ran deep. She had met a few of them throughout the years, and Clarke’s heart ached for Lexa. Clarke couldn’t help the tears that began to form in her own eyes. She tried to find the right words to say, but her voice felt thick and her mind was whirling endlessly with thoughts. 

“Your shoulder, at the airport I thought something was wrong,” Clarke stated questioningly, brows pulling together as she looked at Lexa. She swallowed deeply before asking the one thought she was truly scared of, “What happened?” Clarke asked shakily, scared of what other scars Lexa might be hiding from that day.

“I will tell you, Clarke. Just please, not now,” Lexa voiced desperately, her eyes pleading with Clarke to let this go. Normally Clarke would push Lexa, but she knew better than to now, even if this would keep Clarke up at night. 

“Ok, I will wait until you are ready, but just know that I am here, ok? If you need to talk or need help with anything, I’m here,” Clarke’s voice was thick with emotion and laced with sincerity.

“Thank you, Clarke,” Lexa’s eyes softened, and Clarke was relieved to see the stoic version of Lexa pass. Before Clarke knew what she was doing, her hand found its way onto the table, palm up, silently asking Lexa to take it in her own. Clarke suddenly feared rejection of this simple gesture, and couldn’t bring herself to remove her eyes from her own hand. Lexa however, didn’t miss a beat, and it was not long before Clarke felt Lexa’s hand envelope her own. Clarke finally looked up at Lexa, and was met with the same confused expression that she was sure was mirrored in her own face.

“We are kind of a mess, aren’t we?” Clarke groaned, frustrated at the situation that she currently found herself in. She looked up again to find Lexa with the ghost of a smile on her lips. “Why are you finding this amusing?” Clarke chuckled dryly, confused as to why Lexa did not seem to be worried or as frustrated by their situation as she was.

“Because you said ‘we’. When I read that letter the other day, I was convinced that you and I would never collectively be referred to as ‘we’ or ‘us’ ever again. I thought for sure you had found someone else, and I was going to come home and have to suffer through seeing you happy and in love with another person,” Lexa grimaced briefly before her tone became lighthearted. “The last thing I expected, was to find out that ‘someone else’ was actually Aden, and you were his guardian and not his girlfriend,” Lexa laughed whole heartedly at that. “So Clarke, yes, I am finding this amusing because I am home for good, holding your hand, and you are talking about us,” Lexa squeezed Clarkes hand, and her eyes danced with mirth as she looked at Clarke in a way that could only be described as loving. “Even if you referred to me and you as a mess, at least we are one together,” Lexa released Clarke’s hand after giving it a small squeeze, and she rose from the table to bring her now empty bowl into the kitchen. 

Clarke’s mind began to go a mile a minute, and she was unsure what to make of Lexa’s confession. She slowly turned around in her chair and began to try to vocalize how she was feeling, “Lexa, I want… I am dedicated to Aden and his recovery, and I don’t know if I have the time or energy to figure out whatever it is that is going on with us,” Clarke’s heart shattered with the utterance of those words. She knew that this was the truth, but it didn’t mean she was happy with their reality. “Aden’s recovery is the most important thing right now, and I can’t put him in the middle of this. We had been having problems for so long, and I can’t let that be in my life again and impact Aden. That is why I let you go,” Clarke looked at Lexa before deciding to add on what she had been thinking the very second that she watched Lexa walk up to her with Aden only hours ago, “but I am beginning to think I can’t do it all without you either,” Clarke quietly confessed to Lexa, frustrated at her inability to come to a decision about what she wanted from Lexa. 

“Clarke, you don’t need to overanalyze this, and I don’t expect anything from you,” Lexa spoke reassuringly. “This is not how you originally anticipated all of this to happen, and I understand that me being here is probably making this more difficult for you. If you want me here, I will be, in anyway that you need me,” Lexa walked up to Clarke and crouched, leveling her face with Clarke’s who was still sitting in her chair. “With that being said, I can also go too. I don’t want to cause you anymore harm than I already have,” Lexa’s voice broke a bit at the end, and Clarke could see the guilt flash briefly behind her eyes. 

“There could never have been anyone else, you know that right?” Clarke’s voice was barely above a whisper as she fixed her eyes purposefully on Lexa’s. Clarke’s hands gently cupped Lexa’s cheeks, and Lexa leaned into her touch as her eyes closed. “I don’t want to lose you,” Clarke’s eyes filled with tears as she moved her hands down to Lexa’s shoulders, grasping firmly as if afraid Lexa was going to walk out any second.

“You won’t, lets just try to take it day by day for now, yeah?” Lexa gathered Clarke’s hands and held them in her lap. “I know I hurt you when I left, and I don’t expect you to just forgive and forget. For right now though, I can help you out with Aden, and we will just try to keep things simple. No need to complicate anything,” Lexa spoke truthfully. 

“Is that enough, for you?” Clarke implored incredulously.

“You will always be enough for me, Clarke,” Lexa stood up and only slightly hesitated before gently kissing Clarke on her forehead. “I’m going to go back to bed. Thank you for dinner, and I’ll see you tomorrow morning,” Lexa looked at Clarke once last time before turning around and disappearing down the hallway into her room, leaving Clarke to quietly contemplate how her life suddenly became so complicated in the span of one day.


	8. Pain has the Power to Consume

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just a warning that this chapter mentions suicide, and I wanted to state that now in case that was a sensitive topic for anyone. Thank you all for reading, and hopefully you all are enjoying this story.

When Clarke wakes up to her alarm the next morning, she wasn’t even sure she had fallen asleep. Between her appointment with Aden this morning and her conversation with Lexa last night, she just couldn’t quiet her mind enough to slip into sweet slumber. Unfortunately, she knows that the day awaits, and she tosses off the covers to get ready for it.

Once she has showered and gotten dressed, she makes her way into the kitchen. Before she makes it through the living room, she notices Lexa sitting out on the front porch completely captivated by a novel. She had a coffee mug perched precariously on her lap, the contents of which were threatening to spill over due to her sole focus on the book. Lexa was wearing her “dorky glasses” which were slowly slipping down her nose. Clarke softly smiles to herself before continuing to make her way into the kitchen to grab her own cup of coffee and something to eat.

After she had grabbed a granola bar and her large cup of coffee, Clarke decided to join Lexa on the porch. Lexa looked up when she heard the screen door open, and pushed her glasses up the bridge of her nose before smiling at Clarke.

“Good morning, Clarke,” Lexa spoke softly, afraid to disturb the quiet peace of the morning that she had surrounded herself with.

“Morning, Lex,” Clarke returned a little rougher, her voice tired and dry from what little sleep she got. “Don’t let me disturb you,” Clarke motioned towards Lexa’s book, “I just thought it looked like a nice morning, and I’d keep you company.”

“Ok,” Lexa had a soft smile ghosting her lips before she returned to her book. They both sipped their coffee in comfortable silence for a while until Clarke realized she better wake Aden up for his doctor’s appointment.

She picked up the now empty mugs, and places them in the kitchen sink before going up to Aden’s room. Surprisingly, she found him lying wide awake in his bed.

“Hey Aden, we have to be at the hospital in an hour for the meeting with your doctors. Is there anything you would like to eat for breakfast?” Clarke couldn’t help but notice Aden’s shift in mood this morning. He seemed extremely hesitant about going to the hospital.

“I’m not that hungry, Clarke, but thank you,” Aden’s voice sounded so small, and Clarke gave him a weak smile.

“Well, hopefully you can find your appetite again before we go and get that double scoop of ice cream later,” Clarke was momentarily satisfied when she got a small smirk out of Aden, and he began to get out of bed.

“If I skip breakfast I might be pretty hungry later, so does that mean I can get three scoops?” Aden asked cheekily.

“Don’t push your luck, kid,” Clarke ruffled his hair as he walked past her and towards the bathroom, finally giving Clarke a smile that reached his eyes. “I’ll meet you downstairs when you are all set to go,” Clarke informed Aden who responded with a thumbs up through the partially opened bathroom door.

Once Clarke returned to the kitchen, she started to get some food together for Aden because she really didn’t intend to let the boy eat only ice cream the rest of his stay here. She put some fresh fruit into a container and made a bowl of apple cinnamon oatmeal to go. By the time she had finished, Aden had just appeared at the doorway of the kitchen.

“Here is some food for you, just in case you decide you want to eat something before we get there,” Clarke handed the containers to him as she gathered Aden’s files and some other paperwork that had been sitting on the kitchen table. She placed them in her bag after pulling out her car keys, and looked at Aden. “You ready to go?” Clarke asked sincerely.

“Ready as I’ll ever be,” Aden responded with a large sigh. Clarke knew that he was probably nervous about the unfamiliarity of the hospital, and about having a new team of doctors. However, she knew most of them personally, and Clarke had a feeling that he would find the hospital to be accommodating.

As they made their way through the front door, Lexa dog-eared the corner of her book before placing it on the seat next to her. She had her eyes on Aden, and Clarke was sure Lexa picked up on his quiet disposition and nerves.

“Hey bud, how did your room suit you last night? Did you sleep ok?” Lexa asked Aden, he only responded with a nod. “Alright, but I talked to Anya this morning, and she said that if you needed anything else or wanted something in particular for your room, all you have to do is ask and she will get it for you,” Lexa finished and was happy when Aden seemed ecstatic at the thought of getting some new things.

“Ok! Thank you,” Aden replied earnestly.

“You talked to Anya this morning?” Clarke directed towards Lexa.

“Yeah, she called me to check in and see how things were going with u-uh, with the housing situation,” Lexa became flustered. “She was glad that we were all staying here, and she said that she will be back sometime tomorrow morning,” Lexa concluded with a bit of excitement. Clarke always admired Lexa and Anya’s relationship, and she could only imagine how much Lexa was looking forward to seeing Anya.

“Great! I know she has only been gone a couple of days, but it feels like so much longer,” Clarke laughs at her admonition, but she really can’t express how much she missed Anya’s strong and comforting presence these last couple days. “Anyway, we are off to the hospital. Will we see you later?” Clarke placed her hand on Aden’s back and began guide him towards the car, but stopped when Aden refused to move.

“Wait… you’re not coming with us?” Aden’s eyes had widened, and his voice became filled with subtle panic as he looked at Lexa. Clarke shifted her gaze between the two of them, and shrugged her shoulders when Lexa’s eyes were silently pleading with Clarke to say something.

“No, I uh, I wasn’t…” Lexa’s eyes returned to Aden, and she realized that she really had nowhere else she needed to be. “I’m sorry Aden, I was not aware you wanted me there,” Lexa’s eyes shifted to Clarke questioningly, who gave her an imperceptible nod, “but just let me quick go get ready, and I will meet you guys in the car, ok?” Lexa began to get up from her chair, and rested her hand on his cheek before slipping inside.

Clarke watched the tension leave Aden’s body once he realized that Lexa would be coming, and when he turned to look at Clarke he quickly averted his gaze.

“Sorry, I just-“ Aden was interrupted by Clarke before he could finish.

“Aden, you don’t need to apologize. I’m sure it is no trouble for Lexa to come. Why don’t we get the car started?” Clarke offered hesitantly, afraid that Aden may be hiding more fear about his treatment than she had originally thought.

It wasn’t more than five minutes when Lexa came barreling out of the house. She had somehow managed to get dressed, tame her hair, grab a coffee thermos, and look incredible in those measly five minutes. Clarke never understood how she was always able to look red carpet worthy in a time span of two seconds, but alas, she proved the success of her secret talent yet again.

Lexa quickly clamored into the car, and handed Clarke the coffee thermos. She put her seatbelt on and looked at both Clarke and Aden, “Sorry if that took me a while, everybody ready?” Clarke nodded her head, and handed Lexa back her coffee thermos. “That’s for you, I figured there was no way one cup of coffee was enough to get you through the morning, and I know you can’t stand that stuff at the hospital,” Lexa said nonchalantly as she dug through her purse looking for something. It wasn’t until she pulled out her book that her eyes finally fell on Clarke who was looking at her with an incredulous expression. “What?” Lexa asked hesitantly. Clarke quickly put the mug in the cup holder and put the car in reverse.

“Nothing, thank you,” Clarkes voice was clipped and thick with emotion. She forgot how much Lexa really knew her. “Really, though, thank you for sparing me from that black sludge that the hospitals calls coffee. It really is an abomination,” Clarke looked at Lexa again who was giving her one of her goofy, lopsided smiles.

“God forbid you don’t have your coffee, Aden doesn’t need to experience cranky Clarke yet. We wouldn’t want him running for the hills after just getting here, now would we?” Clarke scoffs and Aden chuckles in the back seat. Clarke mutters under her breath and rolls her eyes, but she can’t help the quiet, breathy laugh that escapes her lips. The car falls into relative silence after that, the only sounds being Lexa’s occasional turning of the pages in her book, and Aden eating his breakfast in the backseat.

\--

The doors to the hospital slid open, and Clarke immediately noticed both Lexa and Aden visibly cringe at the white halls and pungent smell. Clarke walked up to the desk and checked in, and Clarke informed them both that the appointment was on the third floor.

The elevator ride was painfully quiet, and the tension in the small space was suffocating. Aden’s face was white as a sheet, and his hands were faintly trembling. It wasn’t until the doors slid open that Lexa finally broke the deafening silence, and Clarke could not have been happier for her finally finding some sort of comforting words for Aden.

“Aden, I know you are nervous, and I’m not going to pretend that I know what you have gone through, but just remember that yes doctors can be scary, but they are people too. They just want to help you, and if you are uncomfortable at any point during this appointment, just let them know. They will do whatever they can to make this easier for you,” Lexa purses her lips together, unsure what impact her words had, if any.

Aden let out a shaky breath before saying, “You’re right, I just get scared something bad is going to happen.” Aden’s eyes showed the depth of his fear, and Lexa just gave him a hug.

“There is no sense worrying about something that might not happen, right now you just have to go through the motions so that the doctors can do everything they can help you get better, ok bud? It was at that moment that the nurse called Aden’s name. “Clarke and I will be right here when you finish up, and then we will get you some ice cream,” Lexa mouthed _a triple scoop_ to Aden who laughed and gave Lexa another hug. Clarke gave the nurse Aden’s file and some paperwork explaining his situation before Aden disappeared behind the office door.

“Shit,” Lexa swallowed thickly, raising her eyes to the ceiling trying to stop the tears that were threatening to form. Clarke placed her hand on the small of Lexa’s back leading her to the chairs in the waiting room.

“It is just a preliminary appointment, they will run some blood tests, but they really just want to ask questions and determine a proper treatment regimen” Clarke spoke reassuringly to Lexa. “He will be fine,” Clarke took a seat, and Lexa sat down next to her, “At least for today.” Clarke rubbed her eyes, already feeling the weight of the situation.

“Clarke, I have to ask,” Lexa looked somewhat agitated as she continued, “how did he end up here with you? I have been trying to figure it out ever since I heard the flight attendant say your name as his guardian on the plane,” Lexa finished quickly. “I gathered it has something to do with Abby?” Lexa asked carefully, Clarke figured it was due to Lexa’s knowledge on their less than perfect mother-daughter relationship.

“Yes, it does.” Clarke exhaled deeply, “I got a call from my mom about six months ago. You remember Marcus Kane right?” Clarke inquired.

“Of course, he was in the marines for a long time. Isn’t he the one who dated your mom right after your dad passed?” Clarke nodded, “Are they still together?” Lexa treaded carefully knowing this was a sensitive subject for Clarke, but still unsure how it was all connected.

“Well… no, not at all,” Lexa gave Clarke a puzzled look, “Marcus committed suicide about seven months ago, I had heard it from Wells who heard it from Thelonius,” Clarke paused at Lexa’s shocked expression. “and Aden is his son,” Clarke could not make eye contact with Lexa.

“The poor kid,” Lexa closed her eyes tightly and rubbed her temple.

“I know. I called my mom right after I heard, and apparently Marcus had been having a plethora of issues that my mom was not aware of. I’m pretty sure you know about his PTSD and his wife passing away a few years ago, but his mom had recently been killed. It was a fluke thing, wrong place wrong time situation, and it him really hard. Not to mention he was dealing with Aden’s diagnosis, and he just couldn’t handle it,” Clarke’s voice cracked at the end. She really could not fathom the pain that Marcus must have been going through. Her heart ached for him, for her mom, and mostly for Aden.

“Anyway, Marcus wrote a note before, and he left Aden to my mom. My mom was devastated about the whole situation, but she was more than willing to take Aden. It was just that she had been unhappy with his treatment in Chicago for a while, and so she contacted me about her concerns. She wanted to come with him, but her contract with the hospital wasn’t up; she still wanted him to get the best treatment even if she couldn’t be there. I couldn’t say no, and this hospital really can offer him better a better chance at recovery,” Clarke finished. Lexa had just taken Clarke’s hand and began to open her mouth to say something, but the sound of the door opening caused them to both stand abruptly, forgetting all that was going to be said.

“Alright Aden, that is it for today. You did really well, and we will see you back here once we get your results, and get the chance to decide how we want to move forward with treatment, ok?" Clarke could hear Wells’ voice in the waiting room. Her and Lexa rounded the corner, and Wells’ mouth dropped at the sight of Lexa.

“Well I’ll be darned, Woods! When did you get back?” Wells was hugging Lexa before she even had the chance to say hi.

“Just yesterday, Wells. It is good to see you,” Lexa relaxed into the hug after the initial shock wore off.

“You too. Anyway, as I was telling Aden, everything looked good today, we will get back to you with the results in the next couple of days, Clarke. Until then, just keep getting lots of rest ok, Aden?” Wells directed his attention back to Aden.

“Yes Doctor, Jaha,” Aden gave an exaggerated salute and stood up straight. They all laughed, and Clarke was glad to see Aden had relaxed some. Everyone exchanged goodbyes, and Clarke, Lexa, and Aden made their way out of the hospital.

“So, about that ice cream?” Aden spoke with a mischievous glint in his eye.

\--

It was only twenty minutes later that Aden was sitting there with a triple scoop of chocolate fudge ice cream smiling at Clarke and Lexa as they bickered about the importance of a healthy diet. Aden had to agree with Lexa, if he was already having two scoops of ice cream at ten thirty in the morning, what harm was there in having three?


	9. Time is Relative to Our Experience

The next morning, Lexa had awoken after being startled from a nightmare. She was drenched in sweat and breathing heavily, and she immediately tried to repress the images that had sent her senses into overdrive. It took her a few minutes to get herself under control before she decided she was not going to be able to fall back asleep.

It was after a cold shower that Lexa made her way into the kitchen to brew a pot of coffee when she heard the front door open. She immediately felt excitement run through her veins at the thought of seeing her sister, and Lexa wildly ran out of the kitchen only to see Anya standing in the entryway of the house with her suitcase still in hand and sunglasses resting on the top of her head. They both froze before breaking out into the widest smiles they could manage, meeting each other half way into a bone crushing embrace.

“I have _missed_ you, kid,” Anya stated with such exultation in that moment for having Lexa in her arms, that Lexa could only hug her tighter.

“You really have no idea how much I have needed you,” Lexa pulled away from the hug, and she saw worry in the eyes looking back at her; most likely due to Lexa’s out of character admonition.

“How are you?” Anya’s voice was dripping with concern, and Lexa swallowed thickly.

“I have been better, but I am happy to be here. Even if it wasn’t my choice,” Lexa realized in that moment the relief that came with being home unconditionally. Although, due to spending four years in the marines, the peril of readjusting to civilian life had been lurking in the forefront of Lexa’s mind, and the current reminder brought on an unsettling feeling of trepidation.

It was at that moment that Clarke had appeared at the bottom of the stairs with a grin on her face. Lexa finally released Anya and stepped back, effectively shaking off the anxious feeling that had been threatening to overtake her since she awoke that morning.

“Anya,” Clarke went to hug Anya, both swaying for a second before pulling away, “How was your trip?” Clarke asked sincerely. Anya shot Lexa a look, letting her know that their conversation about Lexa being home was not done. Lexa rolled her eyes at Anya’s “down to business” attitude; she hadn’t even taken her jacket off yet and she was ready to put Lexa through a full-on interrogation. However, Lexa knew that Anya was only concerned about her wellbeing, so she was not too upset by it.

“It was good, nothing too stressful. Some business had to be settled for the company,” Anya spared them the details, knowing full well it would most likely bore Clarke to the brink of unconsciousness. “Speaking of the company Lex, I spoke to Mom and Dad, and they said there is still a position waiting for you if you would like it. Especially now that you are home,” Anya informed Lexa with an air of indifference, but Lexa knew that they had been wanting her to join the company since she graduated with her business degree from UCLA.

“I appreciate the offer An, but we have talked about this. It was never something I wanted, that was why I joined the marines in the first place,” Lexa spoke tersely. She always felt uncomfortable about the prospect of the “family business”, especially since she was adopted into the family to begin with.

“I’m sure you will find something you will want to do, Lexa. There is no need to rush into anything,” Clarke spoke to Lexa reassuringly, quick to diffuse the tension created by the mention of the Wood’s company. Clarke walked up next to Lexa, and placed her hand comfortingly on her back. Lexa exhaled a breath of relief, and Anya’s eyes visibly narrowed at their interaction.

“Alright,” Anya put her hands up in surrender, “Don’t shoot the messenger,” Anya’s face broke into a smile, not wanting to taint the moment with business. Anya’s attention shifted to the staircase, “Well hi, you must be Aden?” Anya asked Aden who had just appeared in the entryway.

“Yep, and I’m guessing you are Anya?” Aden seemed slightly intimidated by the woman in front of him, and Lexa had to admit, if she hadn’t personally experienced Anya during her pubescent awkward years, she probably would be too. _Who am I kidding,_ Lexa thought to herself, _she still scares the shit out of me most days_.

“Correct! Hopefully you are liking it here?” Anya asked expectantly.

“I do, so far everything has been very nice,” Aden looked at both Lexa and Clarke when he said this, and Clarke briefly placed her hand on the back of his head.

“So,” Anya pointed airily at them, “this all seems very, oh what’s the word I’m looking for… _domestic_?” Lexa and Clarke both immediately blush, and take a step away from each other; both muttering incoherent words. Lexa thought she saw Aden and Anya share a knowing smile at each other, but maybe she was just paranoid.

Lexa cleared her throat before speaking, “You want anything for breakfast, Aden?” Her voice was still strained from her unsuccessful attempt at getting her blushing under control while avoiding eye contact with Anya and Clarke.

“I was just going to get some cereal, is it ok if I eat it in front of the tv?” Aden directed his question towards Anya, it was her house after all.

“Of course, Aden,” Anya responded.

“Cool,” Aden gave her a genuine, and slightly crooked, smile, and then made his way into the kitchen to make his breakfast.

“I’m going to go put my things away quick,” Anya began to pick her bag back up, “but can we all sit for a cup of coffee and catch up?” Anya stood back up, and looked at them earnestly.

Lexa and Clarke quickly affirm the suggestion, and they all smile at each other one last time, happy to all be together again. Anya squeezes Lexa’s arm as she passes her on the way to her room.

“I’ll brew some coffee,” Lexa says to Clarke, thankful for something to do. Lexa isn’t quite sure when the shift happened, but all the sudden she feels tense in Clarkes presence. She avoids looking at Clarke by watching Aden make his way into the living room.

“Ok, you do that, Lex,” Clarke gives Lexa an amused look, and Lexa hates how transparent she always is to Clarke. “You know how she just _loves_ to tease us, there is really no reason to get your panties in a twist,” Lexa watches as Clarke suddenly becomes flustered at her euphemism.

Lexa narrows her eyes, and smirks at Clarkes light blush, “I’m sorry, _Clarke_ , what about my ‘panties’ _?_ ” Lexa watched as Clarke’s blush turned a shade closer to crimson, and she shot Clarke a smug smile, “I’m gonna go brew that coffee.” Lexa began to walk towards the kitchen, glancing at Clarke over her shoulder.

“Good idea,” Clarke brings her hand up behind her neck, and goes to sit with Aden on the couch.

As Lexa was getting the coffee mugs out of the cupboard a few minutes later, she could hear Aden, Anya, and Clarke all talking and laughing about something that was playing on the television, and Lexa couldn’t help the warmth that spread in her chest. She was beginning to feel the ache of loneliness begin to lessen its hold over her heart, and she could not be more thankful to feel more and more like herself here at home.

It was then that Anya entered the kitchen and began to get out the cream and sugar. “He seems like a really great kid,” Anya still had a ghost of a smile on her lips from whatever they all found quite humorous. “Clarke seems to think his chances of recovery are quite good,” Anya’s relief was palpable.

“Yeah, she thinks with the right treatment there is no need to be pessimistic,” Lexa’s voice betrayed her words though. She would be lying to herself if she said she hadn’t thought of the worst-case scenario, and after getting to know Aden, she is hoping with all her heart that it is not the outcome.

“So Lex, I have to ask, what is going on with you and Clarke? You were very vague on the phone yesterday morning, and last time I talked to Clarke, she was all ‘I never want to see her again’,” Anya froze with her mouth slightly open when she saw Lexa flinch. “ _Obviously_ less dramatic than that, but along those lines,” Anya slightly cringed at her own insensitivity in regards to the current topic of discussion, but raised her eyebrows clearly waiting for an answer; to which Lexa slightly bent her knees and raised her hands to the ceiling.

“Always with the questions,” Lexa continued to talk to the universe, but at this point in her life, she knows better than to think there is some higher being listening to her. “Alright, honestly? I don’t really know,” Lexa began to pour the coffee into two mugs, “Right now we are just taking it as it is, wherever that leads. I don’t really think either one of us are over each other, but we haven’t been in a good place for a while. You can attest to that,” Lexa looks at Anya pointedly, to which the older girl nods her head in reluctant agreement. “I don’t exactly know where she stands, but I know that if there is even a small chance that I can have her back, I’m not going to give up on her.”

“Please don’t mess with her anymore, Lex,” Anya spoke softly, and Lexa’s head whipped up at Anya.

“What is that supposed to mean?” Lexa couldn’t hide the hurt in her voice.

“You know what it means,” Anya had no malice in her words, but Lexa could hear the truth in them.

“I never wanted to hurt her,” Lexa’s eyes were downcast, “I just… I couldn’t leave them there. They are- _were_ my people, and I had a duty to them,” Lexa looked at Anya, desperately wanting her to understand.

“I know that, and I think she knows that too. However, it is bigger than you two now, and being the person who saw her struggle these last few months going through yet _another_ loss in her life, she can’t afford to go through that again now that she has Aden,” Anya’s voice clearly begging Lexa to understand the bigger picture. “I don’t really think she can go through that again, regardless,” Anya seemed to be recalling rather unpleasant memories, and Lexa didn’t even want to begin to think of how Clarke dealt with her pain. After all, Lexa was there when Clarke lost her father a couple years back, and although it is not the same kind of loss, Lexa didn’t want to imagine how Clarke coped.

“Trust me, I don’t ever want to put her through something like that again. I will be better, for her and for Aden,” Lexa’s eyes become glassy, and Anya pulls Lexa in for a brief hug.

“I love you,” Anya says wholeheartedly, “sorry if I’m hard on you sometimes, but I just want what is best for you… and for Clarke.”

“I love you too,” Lexa clears her throat and steps away, somewhat uncomfortable.

Lexa begins putting cream and sugar into a cup, and Anya looks at her with mock horror, “Has hell frozen over?! Is Lexa Woods, drinking something other than black coffee?” Anya was quick to return to a more joking mood.

“It’s for Clarke,” Lexa mumbled while avoiding her sisters gaze, and walked out of the kitchen with two mugs in hand.

“Mhmmm, I see,” Anya stated as she unsuccessfully tried to hide her obvious entertainment at Lexa’s expense, “and what about my coffee?” Anya asked Lexa’s retreating figure.

“You have hands, I’m sure you’re capable of getting it yourself,” Lexa volleyed over her shoulder jokingly.

“So does Clarke.  I’m sure you know just what her hands are capable of, probably more than just a cup of coffee, no?” Anya asks innocently, laughing at Lexa’s shushing and faint whisper to herself that sounded something like, _‘Oh my god, Anya. Go back on your business trip’_.

When Lexa entered the dining area, she raised Clarke’s coffee at her, and Clarke stood up from the couch to come and join them; smiling at Lexa when she discovered the contents were just to her liking.

Once they are all settled down at the table, they engage in light small talk for a while. Lexa was not in contact with a lot of their friends while she had recently been deployed, and she was happy to learn about the events she missed out on. They talked about Raven and her accomplishments with NASA, Lincoln and Octavia’s recent engagement (to which Lexa squealed with joy and almost fell out of her chair), and the rest of the gang’s current affairs. It was only after their mugs had been emptied, refilled, and then emptied again that their conversation moved to more serious matters.

 “How are you doing with Aden?” Anya directed her question at Clarke.

“Really well, Aden is a sweet boy. He makes it fairly easy,” Clarke softly smiles as she looks over at Aden in the living room, fully enraptured by the _Star Wars_ marathon currently airing, and oblivious to being talked about. Lexa follows her gaze, and a smile is threatening to overtake her face.

“I see you’re smitten too, huh Lex?” Anya watched Lexa as she simply nodded her head weakly in affirmation, clearly feeling no need to deny the obvious. “Are you guys planning on doing anything with him today?” Anya asked curiously.

“I was thinking of taking him to that new arcade that they built over in Polis, shit, what was the name of it again?” The answer was clearly on the tip of Clarkes tongue, and she was snapping her fingers trying to get it to come to her, “Oh! The Dropship,” Clarke was clearly relieved at ending her momentary brain lapse, and Lexa couldn’t help her snort of laughter as she watched Clarke mentally pat herself on the back for remembering the name.

“That’s a good idea, I have only heard good things about it,” Anya stated as she nodded her head in agreement with Clarke’s plan.

“You can both come if you want,” Clarke offered openly, but clearly wanting them to join.

“I have some business I still have to settle today, but another time for sure,” Anya’s voice was laced with slight disappointment at missing out on a fun afternoon.

“Lex?” Clarke asked hopefully.

“Sorry, I am also unable to go,” Lexa purposefully left her answer vague, hoping that neither would probe further, but Lexa should have known that she would not get away with that so easily; both blondes were incredibly nosy.

“What could you possibly have to do?” Anya’s voice was not mocking, but just genuinely interested in what Lexa could be doing without the marines or a job to occupy her time.

“I do have a life you know,” Lexa attempted to dodge the answer a bit too defensively. She could see Clarke’s puzzled look only slightly showing hidden hurt. Lexa realized that she did not intend to sound like she was trying to keep something important or drastic from them, she just felt uncomfortable about revealing where she would be and where it might steer the conversation. However, she realized that it would become apparent soon anyway, so she might as well just come out with it.

“I have an appointment to meet with some doctors here,” Lexa looked at Anya and Clarke and could see them silently pleading her to elaborate. “It is to determine my schedule for physical therapy and to discuss the severity of my injuries,” Lexa exhaled and decided that was all she was going to say for now.

“What do you mean the severity of your injuries? I thought you said you were fine, just your shoulder?” Clarke’s voice tried to remain calm, but Lexa could hear the slight hysteria in the undertones.

“Please, just believe when I tell you that everything will be fine,” Lexa clenched her jaw. “I may not be the same as I was before the accident, but there is a very good chance that nothing will be permanently debilitating. So, let’s just please drop this for now,” Lexa became aware of the clawing feeling at her throat and her shallow breathing. She could hear both Anya and Clarke’s voices asking more questions, but they were becoming muffled and far off. Her eyes closed tightly in an attempt to regain control of her feelings, but she was unable to stop the images of death from flashing behind her eyes and the sound of gunshots in her ears that alluded to her dream she experienced only hours before; a dream that was also a memory. It wasn’t until she felt a soft hand on her forearm that she opened her eyes to find piercing blue eyes as calm as the sea looking back at her, and she felt the tight hold on her throat loosen.

“It’s ok, you’re ok,” Clarke gently squeezed her thigh underneath the table, effectively grounding Lexa.

“I’m sorry-“ Lexa began before Anya cut her off.

“Please don’t you ever apologize to us for what you have been through, Lex,” Anya had tears in her eyes, and she reached over and grabbed Lexa’s hand. “I’m sorry for pushing before,” Lexa met Anya’s eyes and nodded, suddenly aware that she had tears falling down her own face. Lexa wiped at them quickly, embarrassed by her momentary lack of control.

“I need to go get ready, I’ll be down the hall if you need me for anything,” Lexa abruptly stood from the table, almost knocking the chair to the floor in the process. She only then noticed Aden was watching her with widened eyes and a slightly slack jaw, _Star Wars_ long since forgotten. Lexa could only muster a weak smile before she continued to the privacy of her bedroom. It was not until she closed the door that she let her emotions overtake her and let quiet sobs wrack her body.

\--

It could not have been that long before she heard a soft knock at the door, and Lexa immediately stood up from where she was leaning against the closed door. She wiped her face and took a few breaths trying to calm herself. She took a few steps away from the door, and put on whatever she could manage of her stoic façade. Lexa managed to croak out a _come in,_ and before she knew it she was standing face to face with Clarke. Lexa thought that Clarke looked so unsure of herself in that moment, and Lexa wasn’t positive if either of them were ever going to say anything.

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have… I’m gonna go,” Clarke began to turn around, but before Lexa could stop herself, her mask dematerialized and her arms imperceptibly reached out for Clarke. Clarke exhaled a shaky breath and her lower lip marginally trembled before she closed the gap between them and pulled Lexa in, burrowing her face in Lexa’s neck. “I’m so sorry,” Clarke was choking back sobs at this point, “I’m so sorry that I wasn’t there for you when you needed me to be,” Clarke clung to Lexa like her life depended on it. Lexa could not find her voice in that moment, it was lost in the overwhelming emotion that had overtaken them.

They silently held each other for as long as they both had needed, it was immeasurable, but at some point, they both pulled away. There was a mutual understanding in that moment that the universe had almost denied them a chance at reparation, and Lexa watched as Clarke’s eyes shifted downward to her lips. Clarke’s hands dropped to Lexa’s waist before encircling them around her back. Lexa’s breath caught in her throat, and Lexa reached behind Clarke’s neck closing the distance between them. She could feel Clarke’s warm breath on her lips when their noses brushed together slightly, but before they could completely succumb to each other, there was a light knock on the door.

Both Clarke and Lexa visibly deflated, and Lexa placed a gentle kiss on Clarke’s cheek before moving to open the door only to see Anya uncomfortably shifting her weight between her feet.

“I’m sorry to interrupt, but I think you freaked Aden out a little bit, and I didn’t know if you wanted to go talk to him?” Anya’s gaze was glancing worriedly between Clarke and Lexa before falling hard on Lexa. When she turned around, she saw Clarke trying to inconspicuously wipe her tears.

“Shit, yeah I better do that,” Lexa turned back around to face Clarke, “Also, you don’t ever need to apologize to me for doing what you did. I gave you no reason to be there for me,” Lexa looked earnestly at Clarke, “You did what you believed was best for you and Aden at the time, and I could never fault you for that,” Lexa paused before continuing, “ _I_ should have been there for _you_ , Clarke,” Clarke nods at her confession, and Lexa slips past Anya as she makes her way through the door.

When she enters the living room, Aden has not moved from where he was sitting when she left. His shoulders were still propped over the edge of the couch, and Lexa could tell that his chest was rising and falling quicker than normal.

“Are you ok?” Aden asked hesitantly.

“I am now,” Lexa replied honestly, moving to sit next to Aden on the couch.

“But what if something happens again to remind you, and you aren’t?” Aden eyes were wide with apprehension. He moves so that he is now facing Lexa, sitting cross legged next to her on the couch. Lexa reminds herself of all that he has been through, and how he lives in constant fear of those that he loves leaving him in one way or another. She also realizes that her episode at the table was probably not the first time he has seen someone have a brief run in with PTSD, especially since Lexa knows his father struggled with it for years.

“Aden, a wise boy once told me that time heals all wounds if only we are patient,” Lexa paused waiting for Aden to look at her with understanding, “I am willing to wait, and as long as you can all be patient with me, and stay with me even through the difficult days, well then, I think I will be just fine if I’m given a little time,” Lexa’s voice faltered only slightly when she watched a single tear stroll down Aden’s face. She debated saying her next words, but felt that they were important enough to be said, “I’m not your father, Aden. I won’t give up,” Lexa quickly pulled Aden into her arms when he started to fall apart before her eyes. She rubbed his back soothingly for a while until he had finally calmed down, it was only then that she whispered in his ear, “Don’t be afraid.”

 

\--

 

After Lexa had finished her physical with the doctor and successfully determined a routine schedule for physical therapy, she decided that it was time for her to swallow her pride. She needed to heal, and not just physically, but mentally too; she knew she was not going to be able to do that on her own.

“Hey Dr. Jackson, I was wondering if you could suggest a counselor or therapist to me?” Lexa felt lighter already, and she knew that this was going to be the start of her real recovery.

“Of course, Lexa,” Jackson smiled assuredly, “I think that is a really great idea, especially for someone who has experienced what you have.”

“Great. I would like to start as soon as possible,” Lexa closed her eyes, and found the words she always finds herself saying when she truly needs them… _Don’t be afraid._


	10. Words Mean More at Night

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to preface this chapter by saying that my knowledge regarding the Marines is very limited, and I did the best that I could with the material in this chapter that discusses some of Lexa's experiences. Please bear with me through any inaccuracies, they are far from intentional. Also, thank you for all your kind words, and for reading this story

When Lexa finally left her doctors office around mid-afternoon, she concluded that she was not quite ready to return to the house. There was a tea shop that she always enjoyed visiting a block from her favorite park, and she thought that a walk in the park would be a perfect way to clear her head.

Once she walked through the doors of the tea shop, she yet again appreciated the subtle charm the place offered. The worn wooden floors were a rich brown, and there was a botanical influence in the decoration that made the place feel natural and welcoming. She and Clarke had spent many afternoons at this tea shop whether they were finishing papers, studying for exams, or simply delighting in each other’s company over a cup of tea on a rainy day; Lexa couldn’t help but smile at the memories she has had here.

After she had ordered her herbal tea, she began her walk over to the park where she continued to wander aimlessly for an hour or so. It was then that she realized she was ready to tell Clarke and Anya about what she had been through, and it wasn’t fair to leave them in the dark where they would worry indefinitely. Although it would be difficult, Lexa knew it was necessary to at least inform them of what had happened. She silently promised herself that she would tell them tonight, but for now she wanted to enjoy this small moment to herself for a little while longer.

When she came across a bench that overlooked a pond, she decided to sit for a while and read her book that was in her purse. Lexa always seemed to have a different one in there, and Lexa remembers Clarke jokingly accusing her of secretly carrying around a library through the use of an undetectable extension charm. Lexa smiled to herself at the memory before allowing herself to escape this world for a little while by transporting herself into an idealistic one that could only be created through pages of ink.

\--

When Lexa finally resurfaced from her book, the sun was setting. She had been at the park for longer than she intended, and she pulled out her phone to find a missed call from Anya. Lexa realized she had told them she would be coming back immediately after her appointment, and they were probably expecting her hours ago.

“Hey Anya, sorry I missed your call. What’s up?”

“Hey Lex, that’s alright. We were going to order in some food, and we didn’t know if you were going to be back or wanted anything in particular?” Anya asked, and Lexa could hear Aden in the background shouting at Lexa for pizza.

“I don’t know why An, but I’m really craving pizza for some reason,” Lexa laughed when she could hear Anya relay the message to Aden who started whooping in celebration.

“I’m sure his opinion on the matter didn’t sway your decision at all,” Anya chuckled, “Alright, well I’m guessing you want that disgusting Hawaiian pizza?” Anya’s voice was dripping with mock disgust, and Lexa couldn’t help but smile at her sister’s hatred for pineapple on pizza.

“Of course. In fact, why don’t you ask for extra pineapple,” Lexa could hear Anya scoff on the line.

“Absolutely not! I will lose respect for myself if I ever utter the words ‘extra pineapple, please’ while I’m ordering. You will just have to live with an average amount tonight,” Anya finished slightly winded due to her dedicated put down of Lexa’s preferred pizza topping, to which Lexa could only laugh harder at.

“I’m sure I will live,” Lexa conceded. “Do you want to just text me where you’re ordering from, and I’ll go and pick it up?”

“Yeah, that would actually be great. You don’t mind?”

“Not at all, I’ll see you soon.”

“Thanks, Lex! Bye.”

\--

When Lexa entered the house after picking up the pizzas, Clarke was setting the table, and Anya was on the couch with her laptop still working on completing reports for work. She was wearing her glasses and had a glass of wine on the coffee table next to her. Lexa realized Anya had way more business to take care of today than she originally led on. However, as soon as Anya saw Lexa come through the door, she closed her laptop, put her glasses on the top of her head, and made her way over to the dining area with her wine glass in hand.

“How did your appointment go?” Clarke asked as she grabbed the pizza boxes from Lexa’s hands and went to bring them into the kitchen.

“It was good, all things considered,” Lexa stated honestly, and when Clarke returned she had a glass of wine for Lexa. “Thank you,” Lexa gave Clarke a small smile of gratitude.

“What exactly does that mean, Lex? What kind of injuries are we talking about?” Clarke asked nervously as she took a sip of her wine.

“The main concern is my shoulder and right arm, I sustained some nerve damage from the incident,” Lexa took a deep breath expecting them to ask for details, but she was grateful when they both nodded their heads encouragingly waiting for her to continue. “They also had to previously extract a relatively pesky bullet from my left thigh, and they wanted to make sure there was no residual muscle damage after healing. There is also my right ear from the blast. It still hasn’t regained full hearing, and this doctor seems to think the damage is permanent,” Lexa concluded apprehensively, avoiding eye contact with them and anxiously rocking on the balls of her feet.

“Well, ok then. That all seems relatively manageable?” Anya was looking at Lexa questioningly.

“Yes, there is really no reason to worry,” Lexa stated and set her jaw tightly. She could see Anya and Clarke both realize nothing more was going to be said on the topic, and was thankful when Anya began to make her way back over to the couch.

“I’m glad it went well for you, and if you need anything at all, just let me know,” Anya stated over her shoulder.

“Me too,” Clarke squeezed Lexa’s hand as she began to make her way to the stairs, “I’m going to go let Aden know that the pizza is here.”

As Lexa watched Clarke disappear up the stairs, she immediately dropped into the chair and took a giant gulp of wine. When she turned her head over to Anya, she had her glass raised towards Lexa in the air, and had a half smirk on her face.

“Where would we be without this stuff sometimes, yeah?” Anya said jokingly, and Lexa raised her glass in agreement, both taking sips from their glasses. Right at that moment, Lexa heard Aden come barreling down the stairs with Clarke behind him.

“Lexa! Check out what I won at the arcade today!” Aden was all but shouting in excitement, shoving a toy in Lexa’s face. After Lexa pulled her head back slightly, she could see that it was a toy lightsaber. “It is green, just like Luke Skywalker’s,” Aden held it in his hands like it was the most precious thing in the galaxy, and Lexa couldn’t help but smile at his enthusiasm.

“That is awesome, Aden! So, I take it the arcade was a lot of fun?” Lexa directed her question mostly at Aden, but also looked at Clarke.

“Yuhuh,” Aden said with an incredulous expression on his face, one that let Lexa know her idea of it being anything other than spectacular was outrageous. “We have to go back,” He looked at Clarke, “We have to go back, Clarke,” He said with more conviction.

“Slow your roll, kid,” Clarke laughed and ruffled his hair, “The arcade isn’t going anywhere, I promise we will go back again soon.” Aden nodded, clearly satisfied with Clarke’s answer. “Ok bud, the pizza is in the kitchen why don’t you get us started.”

“Alright!” Aden, disappeared momentarily in the kitchen, only to return with two slices of Hawaiian pizza on his plate. At the sight, Lexa’s chest managed to flood with even more love for this kid, and when Anya saw what was on his plate her jaw dropped.

“Oh you have _got_ to be kidding me,” Anya’s voice was full of disbelief, “Aden, young padawan, don’t turn to the dark side! Not the pineapple pizza!” Anya cried out dramatically. Clarke only laughed at Aden’s confused expression.

“What’s wrong with Hawaiian pizza?” Aden was looking at Anya as if she had a third eye.

“Absolutely nothing, Aden. You just solidified your spot as my favorite person in this room,” Lexa gave him a giant smile, while Clarke and Anya looked at her with mock hurt.

“You guys are so weird,” Aden spoke more to himself than to anyone, and it wasn’t until Lexa returned to the table with a plate full of the blasphemous pizza that her and Aden shared a high five across the table.

\--

“Alright, Aden is in bed. Let the wine night officially begin,” Clarke fell into the spot on the couch next to Lexa. “What movie did you guys decide on?” Clarke asked as she poured herself another glass of wine.

“Well, due to Lexa’s lack of appreciation for the finer films in life, we couldn’t agree on one,” Anya stated pompously, to which Clarke threw her head back in laughter.

“Anya! You literally wanted to watch _Dirty Dancing_. Which yes, I know it is a classic, but for goodness sake, it has to be literally one of the _worst_ movies ever created,” Lexa raised her hands in exasperation.

“Oh my god, Lex! You really want to talk about-“ Anya was interrupted by Clarke.

“Alright, alright, alright!” Clarke put her hands up in front of both of their faces effectively shutting them up. “Raven said she watched this really good movie the other day. Have you guys ever seen _Mr. Nobody_?” Clarke asked them, successfully diffusing the sisterly dispute. They shook their heads in reply, “Then it is decided,” Clarke snatched the remote from Lexa’s unsuspecting hand. Both Anya and Lexa grumbled before settling into their seats.

“Speaking of Raven,” Anya tried to say casually while fiddling with the rim of her wineglass, “she has to be coming back soon, right?” Anya rolled her eyes when she noticed Clarke and Lexa smirking at each other. “Oh stop it, both of you. Whatever you are thinking, just stop,” Anya narrowed her eyes at them. Lexa knew that Anya had a thing for Raven, even if she would never outwardly admit it. Even though Anya would claim that Raven’s cheesy pickup lines were unbearable, Lexa would occasionally catch Anya giving Raven soft smiles every now and then when she thought no one was looking.

“As a matter of fact, she is flying in Sunday. I meant to ask you Anya, is it ok if she stays here for a bit?” Clarke asked hesitantly.

“Yeah, pfft, of course that’s fine,” Anya’s words were flying out of her mouth at an inhumane rate, clearly nervous about Raven staying under the same roof as her.

“Geeze, An. Don’t have an aneurism on us,” Lexa was throwing her head back in laughter at Anya’s lack of subtlety.

“Good to know,” Clarke tried to hide her smirk behind her wine glass.

“Ugh, can we just start the movie?” Anya’s irritation was hardly threatening due to the small smile that contradicted her tone.

“Yes, ma’am,” Clarke threw a blanket over her and Lexa, and pressed the play button.

\--

“That was such a Raven movie,” Lexa said with wide eyes. Clarke’s head was in her lap, and she was gently combing her fingers through pieces of soft, blonde hair.

“It kind of made me feel like my brain was seeping out of my skull,” Clarke said in a far-off voice, to which Lexa feigned disgust and shooed her head away from her lap; Clarke was laughing as she sat up. “It was good though. Definitely a mind bender, but good,” Clarke stated simply.

“I agree, all around good film,” Anya said in a surprised tone.

Lexa’s heart rate began to pick up when she realized that this was the moment that she would carry out her promise to tell Clarke and Anya. Although she didn’t want the enjoyable night to end, she knew that if she did not follow through with her promise to tell them about the events leading up to her medical discharge tonight, she never would.

“Hey guys,” Lexa cleared her throat, “I think I’m ready to tell you now,” Lexa shifted her eyes between the two blondes. They both immediately knew what she meant, and sat up a little straighter in their seats.

“Another glass of wine before we get into it?” Anya asked, already reaching for the near empty bottle.

“You got anything stronger?” Lexa asked dejectedly. Anya nodded her head and made her way into the kitchen.

“Lex, I understand if you’re not ready, I’m sorry if we made you feel like you had to tell us anything you didn’t want to today,” Clarke spoke softly, a trace of guilt in her voice.

“No, it’s not like that. I want you guys to know,” Lexa rested her hand on Clarke’s thigh. “I also am afraid to keep it all bottled up inside me,” Lexa spoke the last part more to herself. Clarke threaded their fingers together and looked down at their hands. Lexa heard Clarke’s sharp inhale of breath, and could feel Clarke tracing her hand up Lexa’s forearm. “It doesn’t hurt anymore,” Lexa let out a deep sigh as Clarke continued to study the small portion of her scarring that was on display. Clarke’s only response was squeezing Lexa’s hand just a little tighter.

“Alright ladies, I’ve got gin and tonics to go around,” Anya came in holding three glasses, and distributed them accordingly. They all resettled into their respective positions, and that was when Lexa realized she had no idea where to start, her mouth opened and closed a couple times, but she couldn’t seem to find the right words.

“It’s ok, take your time,” Clarke’s hand found Lexa’s thigh under the blanket, and began to rub soothing circles into her skin. Lexa closed her eyes, and took a deep breath, when they opened again, some of the light in them seemed to have been distinguished.

“As I said about a month and a half ago there was an incident,” Lexa’s voice became detached as she began to tell the story that had haunted her mind day and night since it happened. “I had just arrived to a new base with my squad, and our commander said he wanted us to participate in a raid with a couple other squads. Numerous recon missions had been carried out, and our platoon leader said he was fairly certain we would not run into trouble on the way.

“We sat through extensive briefings, and not to mention the physical and psychological exam we had to pass to ensure we could effectively execute our mission. We all felt prepared, and everything was going according to plan at first. It wasn’t until we passed friendly lines, and did a series of short security halts; nothing seemed too suspicious so we continued movement accordingly. However, shortly after we had observed some anomalies that we hadn’t noticed during recon. Some were just noises, so we tightened our formation thinking that we could continue with the mission. I voiced my concern that I thought we should pull back, gather more recon, and execute the order another a day. However, I was a new sergeant, and my opinion was disregarded.

“It was shortly after that, that we reached an open area that we previously anticipated to be potentially problematic. However, we still weren’t ready for the severity of the ambush that happened,” Lexa took a deep breath, and the air left her lungs shakily. Clarke’s hand began to pull away from her thigh, but Lexa grabbed it tightly before she could. Clarke squeezed her hand reassuringly and Lexa gave her a weak smile in return.

“We were attacked on our flanks and from the front, immediately experiencing direct fire. We tried to counter the ambush, but it was chaos. Our whole unit fell apart, I don’t know if it was our unfamiliarity with the other fireteams or what, but our platoon leader couldn’t get anyone to follow orders.

“That was when I was subjected a blast from an explosive on my right side. A piece of shrapnel had embedded itself in my shoulder, and I had also taken a bullet to my left leg. I don’t know if it was the adrenaline or what, but I was alright for a little while after the initial disorientation wore off.

“It wasn’t long before there was a signal to break contact, but I couldn’t find the people from my squad. I started to lose consciousness when I heard the call to make our way to the rally point. That was when Gustus found me, and helped me up.

“Gustus and I made it to the rally point, and there was an executive decision to carry out the escape plan. Our platoon leader notified our commanding officer that we failed the mission, but due to the ambush it took a long time to get permission to proceed back into friendly lines. I lost consciousness before the vehicle arrived. I didn’t know at the time, but Gustus had sustained numerous gunshot wounds, and he passed in the back of the vehicle,” Lexa’s eyes pooled with tears, and her voice had become scratchy. However, she was dedicated to finishing her story, “All I remember is him saying to ‘stay strong’ before I lost consciousness,” Lexa’s tears began freely falling now, and Lexa finally looked up to see Clarke and Anya’s pale faces staring wide eyed back at her. Lexa went to wipe her eyes, and she briefly placed her over her slightly parted mouth. She exhaled a shaky breath before she spoke again. “Five others from my squad didn’t make it either,” Lexa’s voice was eerily devoid of emotion, but her eyes showed the pain that she was truly feeling.

“I spent a lot of time in surgery, and I was transferred to a hospital where I underwent a lot of physical therapy after I had somewhat healed,” Lexa had regained her stoicism at this point in the story, “I obviously failed to pass medical and psychological screening, and so I was medically discharged,” Lexa had visibly shrunk now that she finished her story.

“Thank you for telling us,” Clarke’s eyes spoke more than she could ever say, and Lexa saw all the pain and compassion that was swimming in the tears that had filled them. Lexa was at a loss for words, and honestly did not know how to respond to her.

“Lex, I don’t mean to impose or cross any lines here, but have you seen someone about this? Like a therapist or gone to a group?” Anya’s voice was reticent and heavily laced with concern.

“I spoke to my doctor about it today, I have an appointment next week,” Lexa informed them. “I was against it before, but after this morning I realized how important it is. Although, I already feel better just talking to you guys about it. There is something cathartic about voicing it rather than letting it manifest in my head,” Lexa spoke truthfully, relieved at the outcome of the night.

“Anytime you want to talk, we are here,” Anya got up from her chair and sat down next to Lexa. She pulled her into a side hug, and Lexa melted into her. Clarke and Lexa were still holding hands, and they all sat in silence for a while. They were all extremely grateful for this small moment together after learning of Lexa’s close encounter with death.

It was not long before Lexa felt her eyes drooping, and she decided that today’s events had left her exhausted. “Hey guys, I’m gonna head to bed. Thank you for listening, I’ll see you both tomorrow,” Lexa said tiredly. After Anya and Clarke returned their ‘goodnight’s, Lexa retreated to the safety of her room.

Although she maintained her composure in front of Anya and Clarke, now in the desolation of her room she started to feel the upheaval of emotions. However, she felt drained and was unable to be overcome by them. So instead, she changed into her pyjamas, and collapsed into bed.

Once she had settled under the covers, she could hear a faint conversation between Clarke and Anya. She could not hear the exact topic that they were discussing, but she gathered that they were both obviously very upset. Lexa could not dwell on them in that moment, and began to breathe deeply until she was overtaken by sleep.

\--

Lexa was unsure what time it was when she heard the door to her bedroom open and the soft sound of padded feet make their way to her bed. She felt the covers rearrange, and the bed shift with the weight of another body that moved until they were flushed up against Lexa’s back. Lexa realized that it was Clarke, and let out a hum of approval.

“Is this ok?” Clarke whispered, her voice uncharacteristically hoarse.

“Mhmm,” Lexa managed and grabbed Clarke’s arm and wrapped it around her body. Clarke burrowed her nose into the crook of Lexa’s neck, and before Lexa could fall back to sleep, she felt hot tears wetting her skin. Lexa turned her body around and looked at Clarke in the face. “What’s going on?” Lexa spoke softly as she began to wipe the tears from Clarke’s cheeks.

“I’m sorry I didn’t support you,” Clarke whispered, “I don’t know what is wrong with me.”

“There is nothing wrong with you,” Lexa whispers back, “I left you. My four years were up, and I promised you that I was going to be done after that. God, that day haunts me more than anything,” Lexa is flooded with guilt at remembering the day when she told Clarke she was going on another tour. “You just told me our offer for the house on seventh street was accepted, and that it would be a perfect house for us to start our life together in. You told me about how you wanted a garden in the back yard by the shed, and how we could try getting a dog again. One that would ultimately be better than Fish,” Lexa smiled only for a moment, but it never reached her eyes, “and then I told you I signed up for another tour. I told you that when I left the next morning, I wouldn’t be coming back after all. You didn’t even yell at me or cry, you just told me to get out,” Lexa’s voice broke at the memory, “and that’s what I did.”

“I don’t want to talk about this,” Clarke’s voice was small and broken, and Lexa’s resolve fell apart in that moment.

“We have to talk about it, Clarke,” Lexa’s voice was struggling to find its footing. Clarke’s hand rested on Lexa’s hip, and she began to play with the hem of her shirt until she found her words.

“I used to worry every day that something was going to happen to you, and I just had this selfish desire for you to always be home where you were safe. Although, I would never have asked you to give it up because being in the marines defined you in so many ways. It gave you this purpose that you had been lacking before, and no matter what, that will always be a part of who you are now; I would never want that part of you to go away.

“I Just couldn’t _be with you_ anymore,” Clarke took her hand away from Lexa’s hip, and she tucked both of her hands underneath her chin. “The constant coming and going, and worrying when I wouldn’t hear from you in a while; wondering if I would ever see you again. I would get mad at you every time you left,” Clarke spoke honestly, and Lexa could tell Clarke was ashamed at her own confession. “I had put all of my hopes and dreams into that day when you would come home for good, and when it was pulled out from under me so unexpectedly… I don’t know, I just snapped,” Clarke looked at Lexa then and Lexa watched as Clarke’s lower lip trembled and the tears began to relentlessly fall down her face.

“But how stupid and selfish of me. You were over there fighting real battles, and I was too lost in my own wants that I ignored your needs and commitments,” Clarke’s words were rushed, and she was visibly shaking now. “What if that was the last time I saw you? What if those were the last words you heard me speak? All because I was too stubborn to talk to you,” Lexa began to shush Clarke, and she just wrapped her in her arms until she calmed down some.

“Clarke, we both made mistakes, but I don’t want them to cast a shadow on our lives now. I feel like for the past four years I have just been trying to survive, and I’m exhausted from that long and continuous battle,” Lexa’s voice faltered before she whispered a quiet confession of fear, “I can’t lose you now that it is over.”

“You won’t,” Clarke traced the features on Lexa’s face before resting on her lips. “Life should be about more than just surviving. Don’t we deserve better than that?”

“Maybe we do,” Lexa’s voice was reflective, and her eyes were trained on Clarke’s lips. Lexa had recently become too familiar with the ephemerality of life, and because of that, she bridged the small gap between them and captured Clarke’s lips in her own. The kiss was soft and tentative, but filled with so many feelings that words would never have been able to express. Their noses briefly brushed together before they finally pulled apart, and Lexa watched as Clarke’s eyelids slowly fluttered open. Lexa allowed herself to say the words that had been burning a hole in her heart since she first saw Clarke at the airport.

“I love you,” Lexa whispered those words quietly, holding no expectation of them being returned.

“I love you too,” Clarke did not miss a beat. She shuffled over to Lexa so that her head was resting on her chest, and their legs became intertwined. Lexa kissed the top of Clarke’s head and pulled the blankets up around them both.

A few moments passed before Clarke spoke again, “Are we ok?”

“We will be,” Lexa spoke with quiet sentiment. Although, she had never been more sure of anything in her life.


	11. Scars Are Tattoos with Greater Stories

When Clarke’s eyes opened the following morning, she couldn’t stop the strong fluttering in her chest as she took in the sight before her. Lexa had not awoken yet, and the early sunlight was casting a beautiful golden glow on her skin. Clarke took a moment to study the face that she had missed so much in the last seven months. After a while, Clarke couldn’t help but trace her fingers along the frame of her face, smoothing the stray wisps of brown hair that were dancing in the slight breeze from the opened window. Her hand lingered on Lexa’s cheek for only a moment before she was met with gentle green eyes and a sleepy smile.

“Morning,” Lexa said lazily, the smile spreading wider on her face.

“Hi,” Clarke said simply after moving her hand to Lexa’s neck. Their bodies were still tangled together, and neither woman seemed perturbed by waking up in each other’s arms. They spent a few moments simply taking in each other’s presence before Clarke was overwhelmed with the desire to kiss Lexa’s soft smile away. The kiss was lazy and unrushed, and their hands wandered aimlessly in their search for exposed skin. It wasn’t until they heard Anya speaking quite loudly from somewhere in the house that they were brought back to reality. From what they could gather, it seemed Anya’s personal assistant had forgotten to inform Anya about a rather important meeting; which resulted in her assistant getting an ear full from Anya about her ‘utter lack of competency’.

“Sometimes I forget how terrifying she can be,” Clarke murmured against Lexa’s lips, both smiling slightly at Anya’s intimidating demeanor. After hearing an, ‘ _I don’t care, Tris. Just FIX IT!’_ accompanied by a particularly loud growl, Clarke and Lexa could not stop the giggles from escaping.

“Poor Tris,” Lexa lamented, and Clarke could only laugh harder at the sympathetic look on Lexa’s face. “I have been on the receiving end of Anya’s anger many times throughout the years, and I wouldn’t wish it upon my worst enemy,” Lexa said jokingly before rubbing her hand down Clarke’s arm. “How did you sleep?” Lexa’s voice had become soft again.

“That was the best sleep that I have had in months,” Clarke spoke honestly, and burrowed herself further into Lexa. “Can we just forget everything else, and stay here forever?” Clarke nuzzled her face in Lexa’s neck, coaxing a small laugh from Lexa.

“If only our lives could be that simple,” Lexa spoke longingly. “When do you go back to work?”

Clarke sighed heavily, pulling away from Lexa slightly, “Not for another couple of days. Thelonius was quite accommodating to the whole situation. I told him I wanted to get Aden settled into school and figure out what his treatment schedule would look like before I picked up any shifts again,” Clarke informed Lexa.

“Do you already have a school in mind?”

“Yeah, I have him enrolled to start at Polis Public schools on Monday. It has a great academic program, and it is close by.”

“Is it a good idea to put him in school while he is undergoing treatment?” Lexa asked warily.

“I have been in contact with the school nurse, and we have discussed his medication that he will most likely have to take throughout the day. His teacher also knows what symptoms to watch for, and to contact me if any of them become apparent.” Clarke paused for a few moments, clearly deep in thought, before she spoke again, “I think it is important for him to have some sort of structured routine. He can focus on schoolwork while also engaging with kids his own age, and I want him to have more in his life than just going to hospitals,” Clarke spoke sadly, “I don’t want him to think he should be limited or held back in any way by his diagnosis. At least not right now when things are quite manageable,” Clarke concluded solemnly. Her thoughts were brought back to Aden, and how much she hoped to give him while he was staying here with her.

“I really want to do right by him, Lex.”

“Don’t worry. You will,” Lexa kissed Clarke’s forehead, and began to climb out of bed.

“Nooooooo,” Clarke whined in protest. Her eyes had shut tightly, the action causing her nose to slightly crinkle.

“Not going to work, Clarke” Lexa said in a singsong voice. Although when Clarke’s lips formed into an adorable pout, Lexa couldn’t stop herself from kissing it away. “Come on you goof, let’s make sure Anya isn’t plotting some sort of evil revenge on her assistant,” Lexa wiggled her eyebrows, and held out her hand for Clarke. She reluctantly got out of bed and only broke into a smile once she took Lexa’s outstretched hand.

When they stepped into the hallway, they could hear Anya speaking to someone. “I just don’t understand, it’s not like I ask a lot from her, you know? _God_ , good personal assistants are hard to come by these days,” Anya quipped.

“Tell me about it,” They heard Aden reply dryly, and they couldn’t suppress their laughter at the young boy’s response. They made their way further down the hall, and entered the dining area only to see Aden sitting at the table with Anya; they were both reading the newspaper while finishing their breakfast. Anya half folded her paper, and tilted her nose down so she could look at them over the top of her glasses, “Well, well, well. Had a little slumber party I see? Now, how come Aden and I weren’t invited?” Anya said teasingly to which Clarke and Lexa blushed and let go of each other’s hands. Lexa flicked Anya’s head as she walked past her on the way into the kitchen, which elicited a snicker out of Aden; he only laughed harder when Anya shot him a look of mock betrayal.

“Hey Lex, I talked to Mom and Dad, and they told me they wanted you to go and visit them in San Francisco soon,” Anya informed her sister as she continued to read the front page of the newspaper. Clarke sat down next to Anya and made a grab for the older girl’s bacon, but dropped it immediately upon receiving a smart smack to the hand.

“I know,” Lexa responded, “I talked to them yesterday.”

“Oh, I hadn’t realized you already talked to them, sorry. Are you going to go?” Lexa had finally captured Anya’s full attention, and she turned around in her chair to look at Lexa. Clarke took this as her golden opportunity, and snatched a slice of bacon off Anya’s plate. She quietly laughed when Aden gave her a sly thumbs up. Clarke gave him a wink before silently offering him a piece, to which he happily accepted.

“I don’t know, I guess I could drive up there this afternoon and spend a couple nights with them,” Lexa mulled over the idea in her head, and Clarke didn’t miss the way Lexa’s eyes drifted over to her. Lexa quickly diverted her gaze as she cracked a couple eggs into a pan. She then moved to put two slices of bread into the toaster.

“They miss you, Lex. It would make them really happy if you went,” Anya pointed out. Lexa just nodded her head in reply, and Anya knew the conversation was over. Anya turned her head back around to find her plate of bacon now empty, and her eyes narrowed slightly as she shifted them between Clarke and Aden. They both pointed at each other at the same time, and Anya just huffed a barely audible ‘ _children_ ’ under her breath. However, neither Clarke nor Aden missed the slight smile on her face before she completely disappeared behind her newspaper again.

Lexa made her way to the table, and kissed Clarke on the temple before placing a plate of eggs and toast in front of her. Clarke quickly shifted her eyes to see Aden’s reaction, but she was relieved to find him smirking at the two of them. She thanked Lexa, her words accompanied with one of her extra toothy grins that caused her eyes to squint closed. When she reopened them a moment later, she was shocked to find her toast was missing. Clarke whipped her head up to see it hanging out of Anya’s mouth while her free hand sported a rather vulgar gesture behind her newspaper.

“Whatever, carbs are overrated anyway,” Clarke grumbled to herself unconvincingly, and was overly grateful when Lexa gave Clarke half of her slice. The action elicited a heavy eye roll from Anya, and an exaggerated whipping action. Lexa just simply shrugged and began eating her breakfast. It was quiet after that, all of them enjoying the comfortable silence that had fallen on them, and Clarke softly smiled at how content she was in that moment.

\--

It was a couple hours later that Clarke found herself in Anya’s pool with Aden, and they were both relaxing on inflatable rafts and drinking fruit smoothies (Clarke may have spiked hers with a little vodka). It was a beautiful afternoon, and she hummed in pure happiness at the feeling of the warm sun on her skin. Her raft was pulled up alongside the pools edge where she had placed her drink, and Aden was paddling back and forth across the pool as if his raft was a surf board. Behind her sunglasses, her eyes were quickly losing their battle against sleep, and in her distant state of mind, she faintly heard Aden’s voice. However, she could not find the energy to ask him what he said because she was only a moment away from slipping into a blissful afternoon nap. Although, before she could fall into unconsciousness, she was jolted awake as her raft was suddenly ripped out from under her.

When she emerged from the water sputtering, she was shocked to see Lexa with a crooked smile of triumph holding the pool raft. Clarke was sure her own jaw could be found at the bottom of the pool, and she only slowly let a smile break out on her face as she shook her head warningly at Lexa. Lexa’s smile dropped some, anticipating Clarke’s revenge. However, she wasn’t able to move fast enough before Clarke had grabbed her arms and pulled her into the pool, workout clothes and all. Aden was howling with laughter at this point, and Clarke couldn’t help the laughter that bubbled out of her.

“Alright, I had that coming,” Lexa stated simply as she spat a mouthful of water at Clarke. “And what are you laughing at, huh?” Lexa laughed as she launched herself at Aden who gave a tiny little shriek before Lexa pulled him underneath the surface of the water. Clarke’s heart flipped in her chest at the sight, and she felt overwhelmed by a mix of emotions. However, when Lexa and Aden emerged a couple seconds later splashing vast amounts of water in her face, the feeling was long forgotten.

Even though Lexa was still fully clothed, she remained in the pool even after Clarke had gotten out to dry off. Clarke watched from her lounge chair as Lexa and Aden swam race after race, but it wasn’t long before Clarke noticed Lexa sporting a rather painful grimace. Clarke immediately thought of Lexa’s shoulder, and her heart ached at watching Lexa try to push through the pain.

“Hey bud! Why don’t you take a break? You can dry off and go grab a snack if you’re hungry,” Clarke called out to Aden. She knew Lexa wouldn’t want attention drawn to her shoulder, and Clarke really didn’t want her to push herself since it was still healing.

“OK!” Aden shouted back, and he clamored out of the pool and made his way towards Clarke. She held out his towel for him, and he thanked her before quickly drying off and making his way inside.

Clarke’s eyes were immediately drawn to the way Lexa’s clothes clung to her body, and she hungrily watched as Lexa climbed out of the pool. Clarke knew she was probably gawking in a rather obvious way, but she simply couldn’t stop. Next thing she knew Lexa was in front of her, and shaking her wet hair all over Clarke.

“Stop! I just dried off,” Clarke whined.

“Sorry, you looked like you needed to cool down there for a second,” Lexa chuckled lightly. Clarke’s cheeks flushed slightly at Lexa’s insinuating tone, and when she finally dared herself to look up, she saw Lexa biting her lip as she rung out her hair. _Hot damn, I’m screwed,_ Clarke thought to herself.

“Well the reason I came out here was to tell you that I’m going to drive up to my parent’s house today after all,” Lexa informed Clarke as she sat down on Clarke’s chair. Clarke shifted on to her side so she could make more room for Lexa to sit by the curve near her stomach.

“Oh, that’s great!” Clarke’s voice was overly cheerful, and Clarke was positive Lexa could sense the disappointment underneath the happy facade.

“I’ll be back Sunday morning,” Lexa informed Clarke reassuringly. Lexa placed her hand on the back of Clarke’s lower thigh, just above the slight crook that had formed behind her knee. “We both know I wouldn’t be able to stand more than a day or two with them,” Lexa chuckled, “ and I wish you could come with. They always liked you better.”

“Oh stop, you’re too hard on them,” Clarke nudged her hand into Lexa’s rib cage, which caused Lexa to yelp in ticklish protest. “They love you, and Anya was right, they just want to spend time with you,” Clarke finished seriously.

“I know, I should be more grateful,” Clarke noticed Lexa get slightly uncomfortable, and she was desperate to keep the conversation lighthearted.

“Man, _two whole days_ without you, how will I survive?” Clarke said dramatically as she grabbed Lexa’s arms and pulled her down towards her, wearing a devious smirk as she said it. Clarke watched as Lexa’s eyes shifted to her lips, and both girls were still smiling when their lips joined.

Maybe it was the small amount of vodka, or maybe it was the fact Clarke still felt a little hot and bothered by Lexa’s glorious exit from the pool, but regardless, she couldn’t stop her tongue from running along Lexa’s bottom lip. She smirked at the small moan that had escaped the other girls mouth, and Clarke couldn’t stop her sharp intake of breath when her tongue was met with Lexa’s only a moment later. Lexa shifted so that she was resting on top of Clarke now, and Clarke slipped her hands underneath Lexa’s wet shirt. She could feel Lexa’s hands greedily roaming her bare stomach, and she involuntarily raised her hips into Lexa’s. However, they were startled suddenly by Anya’s voice from the balcony above them.

“Get a room! There is a child just waiting to be scarred by you two at any moment!” Anya shouted, sending them an amused look as she settled into one of the patio chairs on the upper deck. Clarke now felt warmth spread over her again, however this time it was due to embarrassment. Lexa only laughed lightly, and slid off Clarke.

“I’m going to go get changed, and pack a few things for the trip. I’ll let you know when I am leaving,” Lexa gave Clarke a soft peck before walking away.

Clarke exhaled a heavy breath that she was unaware that she was holding. She couldn’t help but feel slightly frustrated at Anya for interrupting their slightly less than innocent kiss, and a moment later decided she would follow Lexa inside.

Aden had just emerged from the slider door, and Clarke didn’t want to leave him out by the pool alone. She took a couple steps back, and shouted up to Anya, “Hey, nosy! Can you watch him for me for a moment?” Clarke shielded her eyes from the sun as she looked up at Anya who had appeared over the railing.

“You sure it’s just going to be a moment?” Anya jested, raising one of her eyebrows. Clarke rolled her eyes.

“Yes, oh my god,” Clarke shifted her weight to one foot in annoyance, “Can you do it or not?” Clarke quipped.

“I think I can manage,” Anya drawled, slipping her sunglasses on and opening her book.

Clarke shook her head at Anya’s antics, and made her way through the sliding door. She climbed the steps to the main floor, and continued down the hallway to Lexa’s room. The door was cracked open slightly, and she was already opening the door as she knocked.

“Hey Lex, I-“ Clarke quickly shielded her eyes from Lexa’s topless body, “I’m so sorry!” She only felt slightly less mortified when she heard Lexa’s soft chuckle.

“No need to be a prude, Clarke. It’s nothing you haven’t seen before,” Lexa stated simply. “I’m decent now,” Clarke opened her eyes, and was thankful that Lexa was wearing a bra. However, Clarke felt slightly nauseated at the scarring that she now noticed overtook Lexa’s beautiful skin, and Clarke was sure that her face was accurately depicting how she felt.

Clarke only snapped out of her gaping stare when she noticed Lexa frantically seeking out a shirt to cover her body. It was then that Clarke realized Lexa thought it was making her uncomfortable, and she noticed the look of sadness that had overtaken Lexa’s previously facetious expression.

“No. Stop,” Clarke quickly shut the door and went over to Lexa, taking her hands in her own. That was when she noticed Lexa had tears slowly falling down her cheeks. “I didn’t mean to stare, I just didn’t know,” Clarke was not sure how to express what she was feeling. When she saw Lexa’s scars, she had been momentarily overwhelmed by what they represented; the severity of the pain Lexa had endured and is still struggling with.

“I hate them,” Lexa choked back a sob.

Clarke clenched her jaw and grabbed Lexa’s arms, wanting the brunette’s full attention before speaking, “That’s valid, but I don’t ever want to hear you say those words to me again,” Clarke had tears in her own eyes at this point, “because those scars show that you fought like hell, and you survived. That never should be anything to feel ashamed of,” Clarke finished in a whisper. Lexa swallowed thickly, and gave Clarke a small nod. “Can I?” Clarke motioned towards her skin.

“Yes,” Lexa’s reply was barely audible.

Clarke slowly placed her hand on Lexa’s right forearm, and moved so that she was facing Lexa’s back. Clarke smiled when she saw Lexa’s spine tattoo, and was happy to see Lexa’s skin erupt into goosebumps when she lightly traced it. Clarke’s fingers then traveled to the scarring that was obviously from the shrapnel that had been embedded in Lexa’s shoulder. It was messy, Clarke had to admit, and it was still an angry pink that was raised in various areas. Regardless, Clarke placed a delicate kiss over it, hoping to ease whatever pain Lexa still carried with her, and it was then that Clarke felt Lexa slightly tremble underneath her lips.

As Clarke continued studying Lexa’s injuries, she noticed Lexa had added something new to her right arm tattoo. She knew that the tattoo was originally for Lexa’s ex, Costia, who had died tragically when Lexa was eighteen, but Clarke wondered why Lexa had added to it. The tattoo was in poor shape though, and Clarke was saddened that it had not been immune to the cruelties of war.

Once Clarke had seen enough of Lexa’s scars, she circled her arms around Lexa’s waist from behind, and placed her chin on Lexa’s right shoulder. She kissed Lexa’s neck, just underneath her ear, “You are beautiful,” Clarke whispered. She then kissed her shoulder one last time, and decided to give Lexa some privacy to finish changing. When she turned to close the door behind her, Lexa was looking at her so lovingly that Clarke melted a little under her gaze, and after a moment, Clarke managed to give Lexa a shy smile before finally clicking the door closed.


	12. Acceptance is One Important Manifestation of Love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for taking so long to post this chapter. I was finding it difficult to write for some reason out of fear that characters actions or words would be misunderstood or seem impetuous. Hope I succeeded in avoiding this, and thank you to all of you who are still reading this story! I will try to update more often.

When Sunday morning finally rolled around, Clarke exhaled a quiet breath of relief knowing that today the house would regain its liveliness; Lexa would be returning from San Francisco today, and Raven would be arriving at any moment. Clarke had spent more time alone than she had ever wanted to over the past couple days due to Anya remaining at the office, and Aden spending most of his time resting. Therefore, Clarke was filled with excitement upon hearing Raven’s voice as she made her way down the stairs.

“You see, I will just never understand who allowed that to happen,” Raven spoke tiredly, and Clarke became worried something had happened.

“I know,” Aden spoke sadly. Clarke felt a tightening in her chest at his somber admonition, and she hesitantly made her way down the last couple of stairs. “It was just so pivotal to the plot! I mean come on, they couldn’t have just included a quick snippet in the film about who the Marauders were?!” Aden’s words were exasperatedly spilling from his mouth while his hands flailed about in frustration. Clarke didn’t know whether to laugh or be frustrated upon discovering it was only a heart to heart about _Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban,_ and not something more alarming.

“Dude, you’re preaching to the choir,” Raven held her hands up in surrender. “How many pancakes you want?” Raven’s tone became lighter.

“Three, please.”

“Coming right up!” Raven expertly flipped the pancakes from the pan onto Aden’s plate which earned her a smile of amazement from Aden. “Cool, I know,” Raven winked at Aden before giving him a cheeky grin.

“Modesty was never your strong suit,” Clarke said jokingly to Raven.

“Clarkey!” Raven screeched, flinging the spatula out her hand. She ran over and launched herself into Clarke’s arms.

“I missed you too,” Clarke laughed as she hung onto her best friend who was obnoxiously peppering her face with kisses. Raven squeezed her a little tighter before she placed her feet back on the ground. “So, I see you two have met?” Clarke motioned between Aden and Raven.

“Yep!” Raven popped the ‘P’ before cramming a pancake in her mouth, refusing to swallow before she spoke again, “His knowledge on Middle Earth was particularly surprising,” Raven gave Aden an approving look.

“Guess what, Clarke? Raven said that she took these rockets from NASA, and we can launch them later! How cool is that,” Aden looked up in awe at Raven, who suddenly seemed to be choking on her pancake.

“Ok, rocket _may_ have been a strong word to use,” Raven’s hands bounced up and down in the air like imbalanced scales as her mouth formed into a contemplative frown. “Fireworks… let’s go with _large_ fireworks,” Raven shrugged nonchalantly as she patted Clarke’s shoulder. “No need to have a heart attack,” Raven finished with a large grin.

“I can’t believe you just arrived, and you are already planning on blowing something up,” Clarke’s tone was filled with disbelief, but she couldn’t stop the laughter from escaping her.

“But really though…are we going to set off the _large fireworks_?” Aden questioned with an exaggerated wink towards Raven. She gave him a very strong series of slow nods over Clarke’s words of protest, and Aden smiled to himself as he left the women to argue over whether or not Raven’s love for pyrotechnics was a healthy obsession.

After some time, Clarke and Raven were reduced to giggles at the absurdity of their argument. After they had finally regained their composure, they both made a plate of pancakes and settled down at the kitchen table. Aden was preoccupied in front of the television, which allowed Clarke and Raven to chat idly for a significant portion of the morning simply catching up on the minor details of each other’s lives they had recently missed.

It was an hour or so later that Lexa had breezed through the door, and Clarke’s face lit up immediately. Lexa was quick to return a smile Clarke’s way, however, it dropped immediately upon seeing Raven next to Clarke.

“Hello, Raven,” Lexa greeted stiffly. Raven responded with a curt nod, and Clarke could no longer handle the thick tension that was suddenly overtaking the previously jovial morning. When Clarke saw the muscle in Lexa’s jaw jumping and Raven’s mouth begin to open, Clarke frantically ascended from her chair which made a harrowing screech against the hardwood floor. She made her way over to Lexa by the door, hoping to diffuse whatever was ensuing between the two brunettes.

“Hey, babe,” Clarke whispered to Lexa and gave her a chaste kiss on the cheek. She immediately felt some of the tension leave Lexa’s body, and was relieved when Lexa inhaled deeply and began to make her way further into the house. “How was your trip?” Clarke asked casually, still slightly confused at the odd behavior being exhibited.

“It was good. I didn’t realize how much I missed my parents until I actually saw them, thank you for giving me the extra push,” Lexa gave Clarke a thankful smile, “I’ll be right back, I’m going to put my bag in my room,” Lexa informed Clarke as she lightly squeezed her hand, her eyes drifting to Raven one last time before retreating down the hall. When Clarke turned around, she was met with Raven giving her an unamused look with one eyebrow raised.

“What?” Clarke shot at Raven, unable to keep the annoyance out of her voice.

“Nothing,” Raven shook her head. She made her way over to the couch to sit next to Aden, and Clarke could see her contemplating whether she wanted to vocalize her thoughts. However, Raven never got the chance to express her concerns because it was at that moment that Anya came barreling through the door with her briefcase in hand. She was reading something on her phone while stringing together a variety of curse words at an impressive rate. When she finally slipped her phone into her pocket and looked up, she was slightly embarrassed to see three pairs of eyes looking at her with slightly opened mouths. Thankfully Raven had slipped her hands over Aden’s ears before smirking at the older Woods sister.

“Uhhh, hey everyone,” Anya swallowed thickly and gave a weak wave, “How are all of your mornings going?” She quickly closed the door, and dropped her briefcase on one of the open chairs.

“I think I can confidently say better than yours,” Raven quipped from the couch. “However, I can think of a few ways I can make yours improve,” Raven gave Anya a slow, suggestive wink as she removed her hands from the sides of Aden’s head. Raven slowly scanned her eyes along the length of Anya’s body, and before turning her attention back to the television, shot one last amused look at a slightly reddening Anya.

“What’s got you all hot and bothered?” Lexa shot Anya quizzically as she briefly reentered the room on her way into the kitchen. It was at that moment that Clarke thought Anya was going to lunge at her sister; however, Anya was rendered immobile by her embarrassment, and only managed to blush a darker shade of red. “Oh, Anya, I meant to ask,” Lexa slightly shouted from the kitchen, oblivious to Anya’s current emotional crisis, “Since it is your birthday this week, is there a night you are free so we can celebrate?” Anya’s eyes flitted to a distracted Raven, her eyes lingering for a second too long before she quickly made her way into the kitchen to speak with Lexa.

“Clarke?” Aden volleyed over the side of the couch. “Can I go out by the pool?”

“Sure, bud,” Clarke made her way to living room, “Wouldn’t want to waste a nice day, especially since you are back to school tomorrow.” Clarke couldn’t help but chuckle at Aden’s groans of protest from the reminder. “Just don’t go in the pool until I’m out there!” Clarke shouted to Aden’s retreating figure as he headed upstairs to change into his suit.

“Jesus, you’re like a mom now,” Raven said with wide eyes that seemed study Clarke warily. “May ‘Party Girl Griffin’ rest in peace,” Raven closed her eyes and spoke with quiet sentiment.

“Oh stop it,” Clarke shoved Raven slightly, eliciting a small giggle from the brunette. “You want to go lay out by the pool?”

“Hell yes,” Raven replied. Clarke did not miss Raven’s face contort in pain as she rose from the couch, no doubt from her leg. However, Clarke knew it was a sensitive subject for Raven, and decided to wait for a better time to ask her about it.

\--

A while later Clarke and Raven found themselves alone by the pool. Aden had tired himself out quickly from swimming, and decided to take Lexa up on an offer to go see a movie at the local theater. It was a couple hours after that when Anya had retired from the sun as well, and retreated inside the house to make a few phone calls; her absence quickly made her a topic of conversation among Clarke and Raven.

“Why do you always have to flirt with her? You know it makes her uncomfortable,” Clarke said through a chuckle. If she was being honest with herself, there was the occasional moment or two that was quite humorous.

“Precisely why I do it,” Raven gave Clarke a sly smile.

“Do you have _any_ intention behind it?” Clarke asked more seriously.

“I don’t know,” Raven’s eyes suddenly focused on her hands which were twisting uncomfortably in her lap. Her voice became quieter before she spoke again, “I mean, sometimes when she lets her hair down she can be a lot of fun, but she tends to be so serious and uptight all the time. Not to mention she is _always_ working,” Raven’s voice was tainted with a hint of mild frustration. Clarke was surprised at Raven’s words because she had always seemed so blasé about Anya in the past. Now however, Clarke concluded that her suspicions about a mutual attraction between Anya and Raven was indeed correct.

“I think you’ll see a different side of her while you are staying here,” Clarke reassured Raven. “You just have to get past her tough exterior, and then you will really see how amazing she is,” the corner of Clarke’s lips became upturned as she continued talking, “Also stop teasing her. She is already extremely nervous around you, and you are just hurting your chances at her finally feeling comfortable.” Clarke chuckled at Raven’s slightly shocked expression.

“You’re saying that I, Raven Reyes, intimidate _the_ Anya Woods?” Raven asked Clarke in disbelief.

“I know, shocking,” Clarke responded sarcastically.

“What do you mean shocking?!” Raven all but yelled in protest. “ _Of course_ I intimidate her, Clarke! I’m me,” Raven shot Clarke a debonair smile which only managed to elicit an eye roll from Clarke.

“Seriously though, just try to tone down the pick-up lines and dirty insinuations around her,” Clarke’s voice had an undercurrent of faint annoyance. “I know you and Lexa think it’s hilarious, but cut the poor girl some slack.” Clarke slipped her sunglasses back over her face, letting Raven know she was done with the conversation.

“Speaking of Lexa…” Raven’s voice became tense, and Clarke turned her head to see Lexa making her way over to the pool, clearly having returned from the theater with Aden. Clarke couldn’t help but notice Lexa looked slightly hesitant as she approached them, and Clarke wondered if something had transpired between Raven and Lexa that she was currently unaware of.

“Hey guys,” Lexa swallowed thickly, “I was going to run to the store quick to get a few things for dinner, do either of you need or want anything?”

“I am all set, but thank you,” Clarke gave Lexa a grateful smile. “Raven?” Clarke turned her attention to the girl lounging next to her, simply getting a shake of the head in response.

“Ok, just thought I would ask,” Lexa stated lightly. Clarke was momentarily caught off guard when the back of Lexa’s knuckles came to brush across her cheek. “You look a little burnt,” Lexa spoke softly, her eyebrows pulling together in concern. Her hand lingered on Clarke’s skin before gently cupping the side of her face, but she quickly retracted her arm when Raven loudly cleared her throat. “Anyway, I’ll be back soon,” Lexa stated awkwardly as she began to walk away, her fists slightly clenching and unclenching in silent discomfort.

“Heard that one before,” Raven spoke disdainfully under her breath. Clarke shot Raven a stunned look, and when she finally looked back at Lexa, she only saw her walking away and minutely shaking her head.

“What the hell, Raven?” Clarke asked angrily.

“I’m just confused when you two all of the sudden became love birds again. You told me before that you were done trying to figure things out with her, and that you didn’t even want her to contact you anymore,” Raven’s voice wasn’t angry, but clearly frustrated. “Even the other week you said that things were getting easier without her,” Raven spoke with rushed words, and Clarke could see the true concern apparent in her eyes. “You’re my best friend, Clarke. I watched you go through some shit when she re-upped behind your back, and I don’t want you to go through that again,” Raven’s face softened momentarily before continuing.  “I’m sorry Clarke, I was out of line just now, but your side of the story is all I know; and it didn’t paint Lexa in a very good light,” Raven said sadly.

“You’re right,” Clarke closed her eyes hoping to control the feelings that were currently threatening to overwhelm her. She couldn’t help but feel guilty at the thought that she unintentionally damaged Raven’s friendship with Lexa. “I’m sorry,” Clarke said earnestly. “For right now, she is here, and she is trying… _we_ are trying,” Clarke shook her head, at a loss for words. “That’s all I know right now,” Clarke finished with a note of skepticism hidden in the undertones of her voice.

“Raven, she went through some things. It isn’t my story to tell, but I will tell you that she got discharged due to medical reasons, and I think we need to all try to be there for her however we can. Yeah, she broke my heart when she left that day, but she wasn’t the only one that made mistakes. However, neither one of us can change what happened or what we did; we are just trying to move on from it _together_ , in whatever way that might be.”

“Then I’ll back off Griff. I may not trust her as much as I used to, but I have full confidence in you,” Raven reached for Clarke’s hand and squeezed it briefly before returning her hands to her own lap.

“Thanks, Ray,” Clarke gave Raven a grateful smile that was tinged with the slightest sorrow.

“Anytime Princess. Just make sure you look before you leap this time around, alright?” Clarke gave Raven an imperceptible nod, and before they knew it, they had moved on to a much lighter topic of conversation.

\--

Lexa entered the house breathing heavily, and quickly located her purse in search for her keys. She could feel her anger bubbling to the surface, and had an extreme itch to get out of the house. However, she couldn’t locate her keys in her purse, and in retaliation, threw her bag at the wall and let out an aggravated snarl.

“Hey!” Anya shouted, poking her head out of her bedroom. “What’s going on?!” Anya had her phone placed face down on her shoulder to mute any sounds that could pass through. Lexa shook her head and began to retreat to her room with thundering steps. “Hold on, I’m going to have to call you back,” Anya informed whoever was on the other line when she heard a low bang from Lexa’s room, and hurriedly made her way to the source of the sound.

“Lex, stop!” Anya tried to get Lexa to look at her, but it was proving difficult as Lexa was tearing up her room in a desperate need to find her keys. “What happened?” Anya’s voice was confused, but also seeking understanding.

“I can’t be here right now,” Lexa replied tersely.

“That’s not an answer,” Anya raised her chin defiantly at Lexa. “What. Happened.”

“Why did I have to fuck it all up?!” Lexa all but yelled. “I had it all, An. All I have ever wanted was Clarke, and then I left her. I _betrayed_ her! I let her plan a life for us, dream and hope, and then I pulled that out from under her without so much as an explanation. I thought I could be what Clarke wanted again, but Raven had been right,” Lexa’s words were loaded with self-deprecation.

“What do you mean Raven was right? What did she say?” Anya placed her hands over Lexa’s shoulders now that she had calmed down slightly.

“She called me a little while after I left. I had been desperately trying to contact Clarke to no avail, and she told me the biggest favor I could do for Clarke was give her space, let her heal if I couldn’t physically be there for her. She told me when I left, I broke her, Anya. Am I being selfish now? What if this doesn’t work, and I only hurt Clarke all over again? I can’t turn her back into that shell of a person… I didn’t mean to turn her into that…I can’t…” Lexa’s breaths started to come unevenly until she was gasping for air.

“Lex, breathe. You’re ok,” Anya placed one hand on Lexa’s cheek, and then with the other, she gently grabbed Lexa’s hand and brought it to her chest. “Feel my heart, and breathe with me.” They locked eyes, until finally Lexa’s breathing returned to normal.

“I’m sorry.” Lexa took one last final breath.

“Don’t be,” Anya began to wipe the tears that were slowly making their way down Lexa’s flushed cheeks. “Where did that come from?” Anya implored gently, slightly taken aback by Lexa’s uncharacteristic outburst.

“I don’t know,” Lexa diverted her eyes before continuing, “Raven made an offhand comment, and I just kind of spiraled. I am so terrified of ruining this second chance with her, Anya. I’ve burned so many bridges, how do I begin to repair them all?”

“You try, Lex. You can’t let fear of failure keep you from at least trying. Contrary to what you are thinking right now, we all still love you, and forgiveness will come with time. I think you just need to forgive yourself first and accept what has happened to you and your relationships, and then move forward from that.”

“You’re right,” Lexa paused before continuing, lost in her thoughts. “Thank you for always having my back,” Lexa spoke lovingly.

“Always, kid. You’re stuck with me,” Anya pulled Lexa into a hug, and then noticed the hole in the wall that was suspiciously the size of Lexa’s fist. “And you’re also paying to get that hole repaired,” Anya pulled away from Lexa slightly and chuckled at her sheepish expression. “I haven’t seen you that angry since you first came to live with us all those years ago. You were such a scrappy little eleven year old, and Mom and Dad had no idea what to do with that temper,” Anya grinned fully at the memory of tiny, broody Lexa.

“What can I say? When I’m afraid, I get angry, and I have always been frightened of being alone,” Lexa finished solemnly.

“Well then stop trying to push away the people who love you out of fear that they will leave you. Love is our greatest strength, I thought you learned that one by now, Lex.” Anya pulled Lexa in for one last bone crushing hug. “You are never alone, I’ve told you before.”

“It’s always nice to be reminded,” Lexa’s voice broke as she returned Anya’s hug with just as much force. “Who were you talking to on the phone?” Lexa asked, her voice muffled by Anya’s shoulder.

“Lincoln. I invited him and Octavia over for burgers, do you want me to cancel?” Anya pulled back to look at Lexa hesitantly.

“No, I want to see them. It’s been too long,” Lexa’s eyes shifted to the floor.

“Ok, I’m going to go call him back. You’re good though?” Anya’s eyes shifted between Lexa’s looking for reassurance.

“Yeah, I’m good. Thanks,” Lexa internally berated herself for her display of emotion. “I’m going to run to the store now, I’ll pick up extra food for Lincoln and O.”

“Thanks, and Lex?” Lexa looked at Anya expectantly. “Your keys are next to the stove.” Anya smirked at Lexa before exiting the room.

\--

When Lexa pulled back in to the driveway after her trip to the store, she noticed a familiar truck in the driveway. She smiled to herself before opening the car door and making her way up the steps with a couple grocery bags in hand. As she turned the door knob, she momentarily hesitated. She had spent her first tour with Lincoln, and they had maintained a strong friendship ever since. She was sure he had heard the news about what had happened to his former squad, and she hoped that he would not bring any of the details up over the course of the afternoon. It was her last thought before she was being pummeled by a small brunette figure in the doorway.

“LEXA!” Octavia’s voice was particularly loud in Lexa’s ear, however she could not erase the smile that had formed on her face at the younger girls obvious excitement.  

“It’s good to see you too, O,” Lexa’s voice was somewhat strangled due to the force of the hug she was currently receiving. When Octavia finally released her from her vice like grip, Lincoln’s arms were already open and reaching for a hug as well.

“I’ve missed you,” Lexa let quietly slip near Lincoln’s ear, hoping that no one else heard the honest admonition.

“I’m glad you’re home,” Lincoln spoke even quieter, “you did good, Lexa.” She felt her eyes burn at his words, and Lincoln broke away from the hug with a wide grin. “Welcome back, Lex. I’m here if you need me for anything, alright?” Lexa nodded in acknowledgement and quiet thanks, knowing that if anyone were to understand what she was feeling, it would be Lincoln.

\--

It was a short while later that Lexa placed herself in one of the lawn chairs with a beer. She was content now that everyone had calmed down from the excitement of her arrival, and a sense of normalcy had returned to her group of friends. She watched as Lincoln laughed heartily at something Anya had said while she kept him company at the grill, and smiled as Clarke threw her head back in laughter whilst watching Aden and Raven tackle Octavia to the ground during a game of soccer.

These people had taken a backseat in Lexa’s life for too long, and her heart ached at the thought that she may have sacrificed her personal relationships in the past because of her uncompromising dedication to the marines. She tended to completely withdrawal from her life at home during her service because initially she tended to be distraught by wandering thoughts such as, _What was Clarke doing, how was she feeling, did she remember to eat that day_ , and Lexa found herself distracted on more than one account. However, Lexa would not allow herself any distractions while so many lives were at stake in the middle of a war. Her solution had been to only focus on the tasks at hand, and before Lexa knew it, her life had become dichotomous.

When she was overseas she abandoned all thought of home so that she could fully dedicated her mind to her service, but it left her on the outskirts of her friends lives, barely remembering to call regularly. She had missed too much of her friends and families lives over the last four and a half years, and Lexa vowed that she would be fully present from here on out. Her duty in the Marines had been fulfilled, and she decided it was time to love these people unconditionally and to finally give herself over to them in a way that had always left her feeling vulnerable and afraid. Anya’s words echoed in Lexa’s mind from their conversation earlier, “ _Love is our greatest strength”_. It struck a chord in Lexa’s heart, and she had a flashing memory of Titus, one of her many guardians while she was in the foster care system, grabbing her by the arm and stating, _Love is weakness_. As a young girl, she always hoped she would be able to return to her family, but Titus was always quick to remind her that she had clearly been unwanted. Before Lexa knew it, she had risen from her chair, and was making her way over to the people who made her realize friends were the family that you choose.

“Lexa, be on our team!” Aden shouted from his spot in the grass. Lexa looked hesitantly over at Raven, but before she could even begin to worry, Raven was quick to respond.

“Come on, Lex. I think we can take ‘em!” Raven gave her a half smile and a wink before kicking the ball her way. “We are only behind by one, don’t let us down now.”

“Don’t worry, I won’t,” Lexa’s voice was filled with more conviction than anticipated, and the true meaning behind her words was loud and clear to everyone.


End file.
